I've Got God In My Earpiece And He Sounds Like Private Fraser

via Seven Days

Just back from the football and I've suddenly remembered one of the reasons I'd stopped going. It was like having Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets behind me. Grizzling, moany faced old cunts.............

They were actually correct in a few of their observations, but their unrelenting dourness had me wishing I'd brought a gun with me.

I shouldn't moan, it only cost me a fiver......

The Horror! The Horror!

Here are a selection of things that made me want to pull my brain out through my nose with a fishhook.

Get Gwen Stefani's Stunning Celebrity Look - "So Much More Than A Popstar" (gag!)

Watch a brilliant performance from James Blunt in concert. - Dinner loss guaranteed

Wendy reports to the headmaster - The art of grovelling taken to new heights.

Dutch Moped Fetishist - I actually quite like this guy. The bit where Anarchy In The UK comes on is priceless........

Whingeing Cyclists - Don't get me started!!! Try obeying the laws of the road before you get all uppity and superior about yr carbon arse print and how hard done by you are by evil motorists.

I shall be back on Thursday with something proper to read.

I May Be Some Time...........

Well, that seems to be the final upheaval over with. The house is a mess of Lidl bags and dismantled furniture, but it should scrub up nicely in the end. My blogging activities will be regulated by how often I can be bothered to make the ten minute journey back to the old gaff to use the PC. Until I get connected and the PC makes it way down to Hopehill Road, I think I'll be a little infrequent with the posting. Seven Days will be updated every three or four days.

Ok, that's me. See y'all on the other side............

Oh, one more thing.............

Go see these guys: The brilliantly named Curlews In The Goyt and Derfen

Ah Fuck!

........It's far too late and I'm a bit drunk, so I can't really think of anything witty or interesting to say...

{Greek Chorus} Why Break The Habits Of A Lifetime?

Anyway, I move into the flat tomorrow. It's felt like a fucking eternity right enough, but the transition from not having a clue what's going on, to 'Ok, you can move in' has taken me by surprise and I spent most of the early evening packing the crap in my room into bags and boxes for removal. Then there's a couch to be uplifted from a top floor flat. Busy old day ahead....

I'm also off work for the next week or so, which prevents me from throttling the life out of one of my colleagues. Is this a good or bad thing? Apart from being an unctious, nasal, supercillious wee prick, this guy is also the sort of arsehole who thinks nobody can see him when he's ramming filing back in at random. The job is indeed shit, but for fucks sake, do it properly, even if it's just to make everyone elses life that little bit easier. Yeah, I know, get the fuck out..............

Soon my dears, soon...........

Youchoob

Raiding The Cereal Beds

Botanic Gardens, Glasgow.

'Roadshow'

When I were a lad, a 'Roadshow' was a live broadcast on Radio 1, usually from some scrutty seaside town in the pissing rain, hosted by the likes of Bruno Brookes and Liz Kershaw, featuring top tunes from the Hit Parade and Dave Lee Travis scaring children with his facial hair. Or something. To top it all off, you'd have an array of the days biggest pop stars (and Pete Burns) lip synching along to their latest hits. Peerlessly naff, and as popular as a public hanging. The product of a more innocent age.

Now it would seem that the term 'Roadshow' has been appropriated for altogether darker purposes. Basically a 'Roadshow' in business terms is a couple of middle management types with a big screen, a laptop, a microphone and a Powerpoint Presentation, trying gamely to generate some excitement amongst their employees about the company's new 'three year plan' and their projected profits. The half hearted gags, the the half arsed 'Pre-Roadshow' music, the utterly meaningless glossy pamphlets, the hour of my life I'd have sooner spent drilling holes in my head.................

Anyway, some suggestions for improving the 'Roadshow' product;

Dry ice.

Strippers (male & female if you want)

Free bar

Babyshambles live performance

I think it's a winner.

That wasn't the best of it. Apparently the company have a commitment to the environment. I was instructed to go to and from the venue for the 'Roadshow' via a specially chartered bus, even though said venue is actually only five minutes walk from my office. I was quite happy to oblige as it meant I returned to the office a good half hour later than I would have if I'd just walked.

Nice to see my Carbon Footprint is as big as ever

Here Is The News

I see someone is Suing God. One for the small claims courts, surely................

Of course, further reading tells us that it's just some Senator in Nebraska being a smart arse.

Now this guy, he's really got a case. Free will doesn't exist you see. I can see how he feels cheated...............

I love Hugo Chavez. Not for his Socialist beliefs, I can take or leave those. Not for his hilarious 'book of the month' recommendations, Chomsky gives me indigestion. No, I love him cos he's just decided to turn the clocks back in Venezuela by half an hour.

Ace! It would seem that the reasoning behind the move is to allow children to wake up for school in daylight. A fine notion, except I'm sure the practicalities of the situation are far less important to old Shug than the kudos gained from Venezuela having it's very own timezone.

Reports that Cuba is looking at the possibility of re-locating to the 5th Dimension are as yet unconfirmed.