Nul Pants

Even old Tel Wogan couldn't pick anything positive out of the mess that was this years Eurovision and by the end had given up cracking wise in favour of a bit of good old fashioned Brit whingeing. The best thing about it was the French entry and that the biggest pile of musical excrement I've ever heard managed to win. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Tactical voting at Eurovision has always stumped me. Why bother? What are the benefits? The only place you'll find more back scratching is in the chimps enclosure at London Zoo. They really need to change the way this is judged, though my suggestion for the return of the old Opportunity Knocks 'Clap-O-Meter' would probably not go down too well. The fracturing of Eastern Europe and the migration of their populations are factors, but for me, it's the tone deafness of a great many people across the continent as a whole has led to a somewhat farcical situation whereby Britain might as well send Napalm Death or The Fall and have a contest with France and Germany to see who can get the least amount of points. Nobody likes us, We don't care............. Anyway, My rundown of tonight's musical vandals is as follows...... Russia - Is it Nigel Kennedy? Is it Torvil & Dean? Nah, it's a piece of schlocky, overblown bombast from the old Evil Empire. Ice skater and fiddle player doing just enough to distract from a power ballad that Celine Dion would turn down for being too tacky. Serbia - Last years winners and this years hosts. Another bombastic ballad complete with big hair, wind machine and much earnestness. Celine Dion would probably agree to record this, but only as a B-side or an album filler. Germany - Off-key misery from wretched Spice Girls tribute act. Norway - Had that 'country-pop' sound to it. Like Shania Twain. Maybe not quite as shit though.

France - The great Sebastien Tellier provides this years 'pearls before swine' moment. A lovely harmony and synth drenched piece of summer pop, bearded backing singers (slightly wonky) and our hero arriving in a golf cart. Proceeded at one point to suck what I assume was helium from a balloon and sing a bit with a slightly squeaky voice. Obviously not giving the slightest fuck. At least he'll work again............... Spain - Sweet Lord Above!!!! Childrens party pop. Singer in a bad Elvis wig and a toy guitar round his neck proceeds plumb new depths of bad taste by combining the Cheeky Girls and Macarena. Troupe of prat falling comedy dancers behind him provide only the briefest respite. Turkey - Indie rock hits Eurovision. Sort of. Anthemic and bland. Music to punch the air to. Finland - Oh Lordi!! They've done it again. This time, instead of a GWAR, it's Iron Maiden. Very poor. Run To The Hills! Romania - Some sort of duet. Can't remember it as it was the first one on and I was making my tea. United Kingdom - Andy Abraham (who?) did a decent job with a rather bland soul/disco effort. Catchy, yet forgettable. Still better than the cack that won. Albania - Another emotive torch song as I recall. Can't remember anything else about it. Armenia - Eurovision songs seem to divide into four categories. Oddball, Euro-disco, Power ballads and Britney Spears impersonators. This falls into the latter and isn't any the better for it. Bosnia-Hertzegovina - I loved this. Joyful and daft as a brush, with a washing line as a prop and four women dressed as brides on backing vocals. Tel Wogan thought it was a pile of shite, but I humbly beg to differ with the old arsehole on this occassion. Amongst so much banality, it stood out a mile. Israel - Very eastern sounding. Quite tasteful. Nice. Dull........ Croatia - There's always one, isn't there? Van Morrison and the Man from Del Monte take part in a standard issue folky workout complete with mandolins and stuff. Grim. Poland - Another Celine Dion style tune murderer. Iceland - Manky Euro-disco bilge. Portugal - My notes say "Unmitigated Shite". Who am I to disagree? Latvia - Euro-disco pap in Pirate outfits. Yo-Ho-Ho and a bottle of pish. Sweden - Not Abba. Unfortunately. Denmark - Who the fuck let Joe Dolce out for the night? For all that, it was fairly simple and catchy. Ukraine - Thumping uber-disco nonsense. Alright as these things go. Georgia - A plea for peace or something. Similar to the Ukrainian entry, but nowhere near as raunchy. Azerbaijan - Blokes dressed as angels and stuff. One of the singers sounded a bit like Axl Rose, but that's all I remember. Pomp rock plonkers. Greece - Another little Britney clone. Yawn! So, there it is. Eurovision 2008 and it doesn't disappoint. 95 % rot with the best stuff being gratuitously overlooked. It wouldn't be right if the best song won now, would it?