Unsent Letters From A Dead Man: Part 4

I stared through the smeared streaks of grime on my unloved, unwashed front windows and out at the start of another bright, cold and frosty December morning. I enjoyed these high pressure winter days, they made a fine change from the bleak, grey, windswept look that seemed to be highly fashionable at this time of year. I absently ground my athletes foot on the hard edged base of the breakfast table. The athlete didn't seem to mind, so I pleased myself and continued staring into the middle distance, sipping on a mug of sour tasting instant coffee and admiring the strange beauty inherent in the electricity sub-station opposite my flat, resplendent in it's coat of barbed wire encrusted fencing. The phone rang and evicted me rather brutally from my reverie. It's nice to be wanted. I wandered over and picked up the receiver. Karen's voice came hurtling out at me like a pack of startled wildebeest . "Oi! Fuckface!" she yelled. I held the phone away from my ear as she continued to shout good natured insults at me. "Darling, you really know how to come on to a guy" I oozed in mock sophistication. "Ha! I came onto you about five years ago Jim, but you didn't seem to notice" "I can't think why..........." "Your loss bawjaws. Talking of ham fisted attempts at romance, how did you get on with the bint from Belfast?" "She's from Dublin" I said, slightly testily. Karen picked up on my annoyance. "What's wrong with Belfast? Lovely town, great folk.........." "Nothing at all....." I said trying not to sound defensive. "For a start, Dublin and Belfast are in seperate countries, though don't tell that to the men in balaclavas. And then there's the small matter of accents..... It's a matter of accuracy to be honest..........." "Aye, ok," she butted in "The dyke from Dublin then. Doesn't sound as good though. So, how was it? DID YE PUMP HER?" "That's between me and my therapist" I countered. "Hah! So she pumped you? I thought she would" Karen was laughing now. "She raped my poor, defenceless wee baby, the bitch!" I waited for her to stop hooting like a loon. It took a good minute or two, but I patiently bided my time as her hilarity slowly ground to a halt. "Can you keep it down a bit?" I said, my patience starting to wear paper thin. "I don't mind your neighbours knowing what I get up to, but I can do without mine giving me funny looks on the landing........." "Everyone gives you funny looks Jim. I thought you'd be used to that by now...." I thanked her for her honesty, then filled her in with a brief and slightly euphemistic outline of my evening with Elaine. Karen listened intently for once, then asked the obvious question. "So, are you seeing her again?" I wasn't sure on that score. Elaine hadn't phoned me, I hadn't phoned her. She seemed to like me, but I couldn't help feeling I'd done my level best to scare her off with my painfully stand-offish behaviour. The brief silence was enough to give Karen her ammunition. "Aw, you didn't, did you? I can see it now. A night of passionate banging, and then 'Captain Romantic' goes and fucks it all up the next morning with his cold fish act. I know what you're like Jimbo, I've sen you in action!" I blushed furiously, and whilst I knew Karen couldn't see me, I knew she'd detect the admission of guilt in my voice. I decided to cut the conversation there and then. "Fuck you!" I sneered. Karen gave a benevolent chuckle and rang off with a promise. "Remember, I've got her number too. If you don't call her in the next hour, I'll phone her myself and tell her you're gay." "Why don't you go the whole hog and pretend to be my mother?" I shouted after her. The line went dead and I put the handset down. I shrugged, mainly for the benefit of my shadow on the wall, then wandered back to my previous vantage point. The crisp blue sky was still there. The white skin of frost glinting in the sunlight was still there. Unfortunately, so was my athletes foot.