God Bless These People!

There's nothing quite so heart-warming as humourless, paranoid, xenophobic, gun rubbing Yank Conservatives. All I need is the liberal leftie equivelent and I have the set! Oh yeah, I forgot, they're all on my FUCKING FACEBOOK FUCKING PAGE POSTING SHIT UP EVERY FIVE MINUTES!!! Get a blog you cunts! Update: If you thought that blog was mental.....

The Headless Ukeman Patrt2

Another silly song. Wonder how long I can keep this going.............

The Headless Uke-Man

Not long ago, I reported that I'd bought a ukelele and some of you (ok, it was 'Some Chilean Woman' ;D ) asked me to give you a tune. So here it is! It's not very good, but it's just something I put together with some words I had kicking about. Took about half an hour.

There's another one coming up, so brace yrselves....=D

We All Need Somebody To Come Home To

I cannot lie, things haven't been good for the old iLL Man. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have no real money worries (yet), winter's nearly over and I'm currently itching to get started on some gardening projects with Clairwil and the rest of the Glasgow Guerrilla Gardening crew, but there's something pulling me down.............

I'm of the belief that it's my job which, to quote a wise man, 'pays my way, but corrodes my soul'. Each morning I wake up with tiny, sharpened claws of dread digging into my gut, and each night I come home and watch the clock, willing time to stop. Weekends become symbolic of my desire to simply get the fuck out of my life and do something a little less boring instead.

To that end, I have decided that I shall travel to Ayr at the end of the month for an open day at what used to be a Butlins holiday camp. It's now a 'Haven Holiday Park', whatever that is. Apparently the job entails taking photos of stuff and then loading them up to be printed out. I think. All very vague. They're probably looking for a toilet cleaner or something, but I'd still take it in a flash. Anything to be away from that air conditioned hell-hole on North Street.

Funny I should mention Butlins, because it looks like the traditional British intern......er, I mean holiday camp is due for a revival. As the 'credit card crunchie' turns into a full on recession, people no longer seem willing to spend money on foreign holidays. Or something. Look, Ruth Maddox said it, so it must be true!! The thinking is that people will still go abroad, but the likes of Pontins, Butlins and Haven will be there to provide cheap local breaks for those who find that even an all inclusive on the Costa Del Sol is just a bit too much. It's just that these places have to up their game a bit to keep people who are used to endless sunshine, cheap booz and transvestite caberet acts coming back. The mind boggles, it truly does..............

Maybe they'll have Redcoat jobs for Lucy Pinder and Tommy Sheridan......

In other news, it seems Chris Martin, of tedious pomp rock bores Coldplay has been banned from the studio by none other than the God-like Brian Eno. Apparently it's to allow the rest of the band to work up unlistenable cack without the singer chipping in every five minutes. How I hope they extend the ban indefinitely. The album will still be shite, a turd polishing exercise if ever there was one, but at least nobody would have to listen to the smug, self satisfied little cum stain's pissy little voice. Knowing Eno, Martin's contribution will be limited to him farting down the phone line and having it looped at different speeds over each track. Hell, even I'd buy that!

One final request. Can someone ask Barack Obama to stop copping for stuff? It's not terribly becoming of a world premier to state that he 'screwed up'. How does he think Bush lasted eight years? Admit fuck all. It might seem cute and refreshing at first, but believe me, people will start to agree with him after a while and then he's shafted.

Isle of May

"I think Youtube will replace television" opined some twat the other day. Yeah, maybe, but only if they manage to improve the picture quality, speed up the buffering and remove the comments of about half a million mental defectives. The comments on Youtube, as you all probably know, are beyond belief. The relative articulacy and lucidity found on blog comments make you realise just what a sweet little cotton wool world we live in over here. Youtube comments are like some hellish leftover from the days when message boards didn't require logins and people just changed their name when they got banned.

Points Of View it ain't.

Has anyone seen Points Of View recently? Is Barry Took still doing it?

I do know that instead of stills of the original letter and a suitable voice-over, we now have phone recordings of irate/elated viewers waxing pedantic/lyrical about something they saw a fortnight ago. Or are they phone recordings? Is it all some big con? Are the voiceover artists of yesteryear simply re-employed to work from home and ring up the BBC, read out the e-mailed complaints/compliments and put on the odd Geordie/Brummie/Scouse accent to lend it all a veneer of credibility?

I hope so..............

You Fucking Liar!

Came home last night to find someone had set the back court on fire. A vast improvement if you ask me...........

Apparently we're all gagging for ID cards. Has Jacqui Smith been in at the booze cabinet ? Seriously, there are two possibilities here. She's either been canvassing the opinions of twelve year olds, or the people she claims to have been accosted by, the ones telling her they can't wait to get retina scans and have their private information left on public transport, are mere figments of her imagination.

On a less peevish note, my latest Photoblog concluded yesterday. Seasons1: Autumn can now be viewed in all it's modest glory.

Ok, I'm off to put a pillow over my head and bellow every last ounce of rage out of my body. It's the only rational response to your internet connection dying on you once an hour.

Winter Warmer No3 The Handsome Family:- The Giant of Illinois

Hello, My Name Is Barack Obama...........

...............I am the inheritor of Dubya's kingdom of doom, and all I can say is..........

I'm FUCKED!!

Aha!, no, just kidding.....

Anyway, when I heard that The iLL Man had the great Mike Love of the Beach Boys guest blogging for him, I took the liberty of asking to grace his blog on the day I got elected, if I indeed that was what transpired. He wasn't sure at first, claiming he had Jeremy Clarkson, Joe Pasquali and the bass player from Level 42 lined up as possibilities for that particular week. Being at the back of that particular queue of celebs, I felt for sure I'd miss out, but he eventually relented and told me that I "had better fucking win" or he'd set Cliff Richard on me. A terrifying prospect. I'm already sick to my stomach at the thought that Fleetwood Mac might re-form again to play at my inauguration.

So here I am, and it feels great to be elected. One thing I need to say to everyone. Can you all come down from the rafters soon? Please? It's fucking scary. Every man, woman, child and family pet, the world over, seems to be treating me like the 2nd coming.

Maybe this is why I'm FUCKED!

How many of you will hate my guts in four years time?

Ah, I don't care. I'm the first US President to post on the iLL Man's blog. Beat that Bush! This weeks celebrity endorsement comes via the 44th President of The United States of America, Barack Obama.

Love Life, Love Liver

This weeks celebrity endorsement comes courtesy of Mike Love, lead singer of the Beach Boys. Hey folks! Mike Love of the Beach Boys here! Y'know, when I'm not spending my whole life touring with a clapped out oldies band, strutting about the stage like an old queen and suing folks, I haul me up a laptop and find out what that crazy motherfucker, The iLL Man is up to. Not much as it turns out, but you know, it's nice to see how the other half lives..................

I'll make this short, I'm late for my afternoon Transcendental Meditation session. Anyway, as I was saying to Paul McCartney in Rishikesh in 1968, the other day....... Later Bitches!

They Told Me It Was All A Dream.........

I'm taking a big stick to work with me tomorrow, so I can shove it between the spokes of any passing cyclists................. Some definitions for the mentally challenged. Road - For Uni-cycles, Bi-cycles, auto-cycles and auto-mobiles. And motorcycle sidecar combinations. Sinclair C5's are something of a grey area. Pavement - For pedestrians, pedestrians and possibly some more pedestrians. And maybe those electric shopping buggies OAP's use (David Duff was telling me he's got some 'Go Faster Stripes' and a little flag on the back of his. I was dead jealous...) I'm also preparing myself to witness my first ever pedestrian road accident. They've just recently altered the lights at Charing Cross, but it still hasn't deterred some idiots from playing chicken with whatever traffic is coming round that blind bend into Woodlands Road. Maybe I should take a shovel with me too...............

Further Observations On Futility And Impotence

American physicist Hugh Everett came up with something called "The Theory Of Universal Wave Function". It later became known as the 'Many Worlds Theory', a catchier short-hand phrase, used to invoke the notion that for every observed eventuality, there are many other alternate evenualities, or universes which split off from the world we are conscious of. Or something.............

Although centred on the quantum world and the observation of particles, it's rather startling conclusions have been the fuel for many a bad science fiction writer, and even more wild eyed physicists looking for grants to try and prove that time travel is a possibility. I won't pretend to know exactly what it's all about and the Wikipedia page for it will leave all but Larry Teabag non-plussed, but I did find a much simpler explanation, along with a rather wonderful adaptation of a Super Mario video game to illustrate the theory.




Of course, if alternate universes did exist for every possible outcome to any action or decision a decidedly non-quantum mass such as myself were to make, then I would have to state with some degree of sadness that about 50% of them would involve death by quite horrific injury, possibly involving buses, cars, motorcycles or suicide from the 2nd floor window of an office block in Glasgow city centre................