Friday, December 23, 2011

Escape From Facebook Island

"After many months at seas, I was picked up by a passing Blogger account and hauled to safety.  And so it was that I made my way back into the world of structured, intelligent Internet activity.................."

Relatively speaking......

One thing I have concluded about Facebook is that the folk you spend social time with, be they friends, family or members of your local urban riot re-enactment society, are always best kept at arms length in the online realm.  It's only a matter of time before you start to regard them all as smug, banal, tedious cunts wishing they would shut the fuck up about their Christmas shopping and stop sending those desperate, hateful requests to copy some sentimental shite to your status (the implication being that if you don't, then you're not a "True Friend" ).

I will miss the Fraping though, but that's between me and my counsellor.......

Something else I may need professional help for is my bottomless contempt for Chuggers.  I think it would help if they all wore David Cameron masks.  It would make it so much easier to spit on them and call them loathsome shit licking cockroaches.  So much more satisfying than quickening your step, avoiding eye contact and politely, yet firmly saying "no thanks, not today".  Or not.  Your choice, your time, your money, your bank details......

Of course, one of my stops whilst in town was BHS, on the off chance they might have a cheap piece of gimmicky Christmas tat to buy for someone you're not entirely sure wants a present off you, but you feel obliged cos your missus has bought their missus something.  Five minutes of wandering around the reduced, yet still over priced alcoholic gift boxes ("For That Special Piss Head In Your Life This Christmas!!") was more than enough to make me realise that a bottle of Smirnoff would be cheaper and better appreciated.

It also struck me that if they can make lager that tastes of piss, how much harder would it be to market piss that tastes of lager?  A strapline for the product?  How about "Still tastes better than a warm can of Miller!"

OK, that's all from me, I'm fucking off now.  Just a wee word of congratulations to IJ Mellis Cheesemongers on Great Western Road.  Yesterday they achieved world record status for having the most middle class people in one confined space, a record previously held by an over-priced wine merchant in Hyndland on New Years Eve 1998.

Merry Christmas!