Saturday, July 28, 2007

Summer Is Ready When You Are.........

I wasn't cut out for this blogging thing you know........

I never remember anything, I think of things during the day but the ideas disappear out the window as soon as I think of them. I have notions, but I fail to pull them out of the air and they fuck off back into the ether for some other chancer to pummel into submission on an even more third rate journal of banality. Fuck!

Not sure what the problem is. Maybe it's the mortgage I've just taken out. The whole thing has kind of knocked me sideways a bit and I'm wondering if I'll ever move in. As I work for a firm of solicitors who deal in conveyancing, I realise that there are various interests involved and that these things sometimes take time. Getting three or more seperate solicitors to actually communicate with each other and fucking do something for you seems to be a forlorn hope and one can only use the time to save some cash and get the direct debits/standing orders in place. Still, could be worse. I know someone who is attempting to move from a quarter share of a Shared ownership property to 100% share,disponing it from her name to that of her and her husband. They also happen not to share surnames......................

I think they're having to make up about half a dozen dispositions just to get both their names on the one set of title deeds. I know people who don't take their husbands name can be a pain in the tits from an admin or legal position, but surely it can't be that big a problem to resolve?

Anyway, I'm also bummed cos my man on the Tour de France, Michael Rasmussen got hoofed out unceremoniously by his team for being economical with the truth as to his whereabouts prior to the tour. I'm sure even the least interested of you know something about this...........

He was leading, had passed every dope test and was about to win the race, but cycling is in a major meltdown over cheating allegations and the suspicions surrounding Rasmussen were enough to see him ejected. A case of guilty until proven innocent. The amusing thing is that the guy who inherited the lead from Ras has similar suspicions surrounding him, due to his previous prescence in a team known for collective doping. As virtually last man standing, they won't dare kick him out, but it does make you wonder...............

The whole thing brings to mind the problem of proving a negative.

Replace "Have you stopped beating your wife Mr Jones?" with "Have you stopped taking performance enhancing drugs Mr Rasmussen?"

A bit of a pickle all told.

Ok, heres some Sonic Youth. For a period of about three albums in the early-mid nineties, they were churning out catchy nuggets of noisy pop music like this. Then they disappeared up their arses again, begging us to take them seriously as 'artistes' once more. I naturally lost interest and started listening to Placebo.

I was young and stupid, cut me some slack.............

Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Little iLL Man Goes A Long Way

The iLL Man auditions for the part of 'Docile Prick' in the new Simpsons flick. All you need is a photo and this link. Think of the fun you could have with Terry Kelly's ugly mug!

Sorry I've been a bit 'incommunicado' of late. A few too many things to attend to and not enough inspiration to make me write any more than once a week or so. I go at it in fits and bursts, so do drop in, but to be honest, I don't think I'll be up to much other than my usual Friday evening/Saturday morning drunken nonsense. If you can't get enough juicy iLL Man goodness (and I can't envisage why you would find yourself in such a situation), then I advise you pop on over to The Scottish Idlers Guild and check out the message board, or have a look at the Idlers Blog. If all else fails, you can always head on over to Seven Days to see what I've been snapping of late..............

See you soon...............

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Little Fluffy Clouds

Via Clairwil and in tribute to this site, I present some sky shots I took over the past fortnight or so. I haven't joined them yet, but I'm fully in agreement with their ethos. Blue skies are nice, but clouds rock, especially at sunrise or sundown when the light of the sinking sun reflects off them and gives that red-orange glow...........
Heres 'The Shat' doing Common People with Joe Jackson on chorus vocals and the Ben Folds Five as backing band. Watch 'The Shat' emote his way through Pulps finest moment and make the song his own................Forever!

I'll have something more substantial up tomorrow night.....

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Back When They Weren't Funny

Ladies! Gentlemen!

I have stumbled upon a new area of exploration and research in my never ending quest to understand the Universe and it's secrets (and subsequently forget them in a drunken stupour and lose all my notes). It is the study of the phenomenon whereby TV comedy programmes and comedians that made you crawl across the floor, convulsing with laughter as a 5-10 year old are beamed back at you as an adult, via satellite tv and countdown shows, only to make you silently cringe with embarrassment and die a little inside. For the purposes of shorthand, I shall call it 'Carrott Syndrome', after the brain puree-ingly tedious Brummie comedian whose show I rarely missed as a nine year old. You may well have your own personal favourite, but I believe Jasper works as a universal 'Why The Fuck Did I Find That Tit Funny?' moment for many of my generation.

A familiar cry of many a colleague seems to be 'I remember that show! Was it funny or was I imagining things......? My assertion is that no, you probably weren't imagining anything, but please don't buy the DVD in an attempt to find out.

I have discovered one thing in all this research. Rab C Nesbitt was no mirage. I bought the first series dirt cheap on DVD recently and to be honest I would have payed twice what I coughed up for it. Ian Pattison is a fucking genius.

I realise I'm sending out mixed messages here, but would you seriously buy an 'Up The Elephant & Round The Castle' DVD on the off chance it was a fraction as amusing as you half remembered it might have been?

You would? Shit, we're in trouble...............

Let Tom Waits Sooth yr soul. This is my anthem, it should be yours too...............

Mediocre Top Trumps

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Well, I Had Better Get Round To This Ruddy Meme, Hadn't I?

Tagged by The Flying Rodent. Eight things nobody knows about me.

1- I played a Spoons solo on the recording of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. I was never paid for it though and they put it very low in the mix. I believe justice was eventually served.........

2- I was voted 'Worlds Most Evil Man' in 1997 by Vanity Fair magazine. Previous holders included Eammon Holmes, Colonel Gadaffi and the singer out of Reef.

3- I am multi-lingual. I speak French, German, Spanish, Greek...........the list goes on. Each one seems to involve shouting, pointing at things and more shouting. They cotton on eventually.

4- I studied Pet Hairdressing at Cardonal College, Glasgow. They threw me off the course for giving a Shitzu a short back and sides. Jesus! It was what it asked for!!!

5- I once came third in a Scotch Egg eating marathon. Fifteen whole eggs consumed, an impacted bowel and a years supply of laxatives. The winner wasn't so lucky.............

6- I share a birthday with Chaka Demus (from Chaka Demus & Pliers) I've never received a card from the swine.
7- I am the sole heir to the throne of Luxembourg, due mainly to administrative laziness and a series of typing errors.

8- I am pen friends with Pat Sharp. His favourite food is Spaghetti Hoops, his favourite drink is Fosters and his favourite colour is that shade you get when pus and blood mix together. Strange lad.

I will not be tagging anyone. No sir!
This is John Shuttleworth, South Yorkshires answer to The Flaming Lips

Saturday, July 07, 2007

A Picture Of My Cock

To the person looking for 'Female Tortre Devices' (sic), might I suggest you seek some help?

The amount of badly spelt search engine requests for porn that are landing in my tracker has to be seen to be believed. Is it the same person? If so, what makes them think that after their first visit to my blog, there will subsequently be anything in the way of suitable wanking material? Isn't this what Pornotube was invented for..................

What is it with 'hyper' people? You know, folk that are always jolly and want to know why you aren't jumping through yr own arsehole with joy every time you see them? Picture the scene. You've just come into the office at lunchtime, when some planet sized moron you barely know stops you in yr tracks and asks why you didn't say hello to her and her cohorts in the street.

It may be that I'm incredibly rude in that I don't Merrily greet everyone that works in my office as I walk to the shops at lunch time. If I'd fucking known people were that sensitive I'd have tried harder...................Funny really, it looked like she'd latched herself onto a couple of girls sitting near her and was in the process of subjecting them to her 'vivacious personality' as they ate their lunch and checked their bebo.

If she wants the money for her sponsored waddle she's gonna have to try a lot fucking harder than that...................


Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Dentist Pt4

Part 1

"..........Severin!, this is someone you don't know. We met, but never spoke." the voice rasped in a low, flat Northern Irish drawl.

Malcolm deduced that it was the small man he'd seen at the Surgery, the Indian Inked maniac with the thousand yard stare and the unorthodox tooth extraction technique.

"What the fuck does he want?" he muttered to himself. "Apart from the address of a mental institution..........."
The voice paused for about ten seconds, his breathing still audible over the tape hiss. Malcolm waited for the words expectantly, but when they came he was in no doubt. None at all.

"............I'm at your Mother-in-Law's Malcolm. Just came round to make sure they had put the heating on, you know how cold it gets at this time of year................."

The call ended as abruptly as it began.

Malcolm stood frozen to the spot in the plush hallway of the family home, not daring to move, barely breathing and hoping that by staying that way he could hold for eternity the spell of serene un-reality that had fallen over him. The spell was broken by the sound of the phone ringing, but Malcolm ignored it and made his way stiffly to the door. Whatever they had to tell him, he would find out soon enough. The cold night air hit him like a drunk being slapped vigourously into consciousness and his legs regained some of their strength. He lit a cigarette which got him as far as his car.........

He already knew that this was going to be the most painful five mile drive of his of life.............