Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Christmas Casualties

The post Christmas lethargy still clings.  I've only just finished tidying away the festive decorations and ornaments and I'm still stumbling over boxes of shortbread and gift bags full of surprise booz, though sadly Peach Schnapps isn't my tincture of choice.  Not because I don't like it you understand.  Far from it.

It's just that the missus will boot me in the nuts if I so much as break the seal on it.

Mind, it would make a change for me to turn up in A&E with an actual injury for a change.  Boxing Day saw possibly the most farcical and embarrassing trip I'll ever make to a casualty ward, barring any future miss-haps involving the hoover and an open bathrobe.

Ok, so I woke at about 2.30 am with a swollen eye.  A film was forming over it with all red blotches and stuff.  At this point, we have no idea what it is, but it's uncomfortable and getting worse.  So, we jump in the car and head for the Royal as there was no surgery open until Wednesday.  Two hours later, I get the call from the nurse to go through from the waiting room, leaving behind the ever increasing number of Boxing Day wounded (most of whom seemed to know each other)  It was also around this time that the swelling started to go down and I realised what a silly sod I'd been.  If I'd just gone back to bed, my eye would have been fine in the mornig, if a little crusty.

So, there I am, stuck in a cubicle for another 40 minutes or so whilst people with real problems are attended to and I wish the ground would open up and swallow me.  Eventually, a slightly harassed looking doctor asks a few questions, does an eye exam on me and tells me I've merely popped a blood vessel in my eye whilst coughing or something.  I leave apologetically, meet the missus and head back to the car feeling quite sure I've made a fairly decent last gasp bid for the title of Twat of the Year 2011.

Wouldn't surprise me if they've logged it down as an example to be quoted next time they publish figures detailing how much it costs the NHS to deal with Britain's hypochondriac population.....

And so I returned to my slumber, hoping I could pass it off as a bad dream.

A dream.....A dream....A dream........ A dream............

Then I wake up six hours later with the remnants of visions so strange, they automatically consign the previous nights antics to the back of my mind.  How do you get jam from a cat?  Well, you could take the jam off the cat and put it out of reach I suppose.  Alternatively you can always cut the cat open and extract it.......

Dreams can tell you many things.  A dream I had last night for instance, told me in no uncertain terms that I had unresolved issues regarding someone in my past.  On the other hand, a dream about cutting open cats to harvest their 'jam' defies interpretation on every level.  I don't care if you're someone who sees dead people, if you're an expert in Freudian analysis, or you just think dreams are the result of excess gas..........

There really is nothing you can say to someone whose subconscious mind decides to kick that sort of shit out of leftfield.

In other news, I am involved in a full scale war with my telephone.  Since losing my job, I have become aware of just how many automated phone calls I receive in a day.  Is it someone touting a service promising to retrieve miss-sold PPI?  Is it a call centre in Delhi asking for Mr Nick Olsen?

The funniest one was my bank performing a customer service survey relating to the last time I visited the branch.  I just told them everything was tickety-boo and left it at that.  Seems wrong to kick a man while he's down.....

I leave it off the hook now, unless I'm expecting a call from an employment agency.  Even then, it's tempting to ignore the bastards.  These companies are an absolute fucking disaster area, but it's all there is for the average Pleb At Large........

Hell, maybe I can get myself a job with a PPI recovery company.  It's probably the biggest growth area in the British economy along with pawn shops, online money lenders and gold smelters.   Seriously, the recovery companies will take any old shite as evidence.

"Yes, I took out PPI on a credit card in 2003.  No, I don't have the paperwork or any details.  Really?  You can get me 3 Grand anyway?  Braw!"

The banks are in such a hurry to fire through these PPI claims that it's almost certain that some fraudulent claims will pay out.  The money's earmarked, they're not contesting the claims.......  The message seems to be "Fill yer boots, the damage is done!"

Not sure phoning up to ask if you had a nice time at the branch on your last visit is gonna make much difference.

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