"Sir! Theres Been A Murder At Firhill..............."

"...........Ach, theres murder at Firhill every second saturday" Chief Inspector Jim Taggart.


So there I am, making dinner and trying to bend my neck round the fridge to catch the scintillating action going down in................Taggart. Ok, I felt I ought to make the effort I suppose, see if it would surprise me, see if there were any interesting plot twists etc.

Nah, fuck that, this is an STV production we're talking about. Taggart used to be a bit of a "must see" show back in the day you know. Mark McManus was the eponymous detective who took dourness and monosyllabic truculence to new levels (the man didn't act, he just 'was'). The story lines were grisly and hard boiled and were usually spread over two or three parts to allow character development, red herrings, plot twists etc....

The new incarnation is, quite frankly, a load of old shite! The acting was never hot, sure, but it's godawful now. Blyth Duff in particular has all the emotional range of a lobotomised supply teacher, though Alex Norton does a good job of stopping the whole thing from imploding under the weight of it's own awfulness. The plot lines, such as they are, seem to be so flimsy and cliche ridden that they always fail to hold the attention and more often than not invoke gasps of disbelief. The 'Silence Of The Lambs' scene near the end of the particular episode I was watching had to be seen to be believed. Norton and Duff go to interview some loon in prison. Enter a shaven headed psychokillerbloke who starts with the riddles and Lecter-isms as soon as he opens his mouth. He even throws in a bit of Ted Bundy("I get marriage proposals" etc) for good measure. Had he ordered a nice Chianti and a side order of fava beans before making odd sucking noises with his teeth at the female officer, I wouldn't have been the slightest bit surprised.

If Taggart is to get even close to it's glory days anytime soon, it'll need to go back to the 2-3 episode routine and re-think the cast list. An hour is fine for a 'Police Procedural' like CSI or a semi-soap opera format like The Bill or Hill Street Blues. A 'whodunit', unless written by a genius needs to give itself a bit of room to Manoeuvre. Needless to say, I had the culprit figured with about half an hour to go. Given that there were only about half a dozen characters in all, I'm actually disappointed I didn't get it sooner. As I said, I was making the tea at the time.........

Anyway, it's Friday, it's twenty to eleven and I'm getting drunk, which means it's YouTube time..................This weeks offering features The Dead Kennedy's and singer Jello Biafra's deeply bizarre interpretative mimes. What's with the green hands Jello?



..........Anyway, fuck that, just enjoy the muzak.

Strange The Difference A Day Makes.........

So I strode out of the house tonight, The Iggy Pop mix of Raw Power lacerating my synapses through my cheap and nasty headphones and making me feel about twelve feet tall. You know, that "I'm Fucking Alive" feeling that you just don't get often enough in a lifetime.... It's funny, because I was on my way to Firhill to watch Partick Thistle, much against Doctors orders it has to be said. He said the Jags were "in for a pumping" as he took my blood pressure and advised I take up less stressful hobbies like lion taming or drug running.

Anyway, God only knows what the players had roaring through their heads pre-kickoff, but they arrived on the pitch as hyper, switched on and alert as I was and proceeded to play in a way I haven't seen this season. 2-0, going on five or six... Whatever it was, I hope the manager has a plentiful supply.

I've been a bit down for the past week it has to be said. Nothing big really, just niggly little things. Seeing my mother come back from a weekend break in Newcastle a day early due to yet another urine infection was a real fucker. I mean, is it too fucking much to ask that she gets away for a few days without coming down with this shit? That's two holidays out of three ruined by the same condition. Needless to say, she's absolutely armed to the teeth with anti-biotics for the next sojourn...... Wish her luck.

Talking of walking wounded, I'd also like to give a belated shout out to the Fat Sparrow, who's having a fucker of a time with illness too. Go and wish her well here. She hasn't updated since late Feb, so I'm hoping she's Ok and just laying low. Haste ye back missus.

Ok, that's it.

Go on, Beat it!