Attack Of The Killer Light Entertainers

'Tis the season to get our panties in a bunch about contaminated food products it would seem. First of all, Country Life butter was recalled from branches of Iceland because people had been finding traces of rubber in the cartons. As a purchaser of 'spreadable' butter and various substitute spreads for most of my life, I can honestly state that I don't see what the problem is. I mean, those little chewy bits are the best part, right?..............

Do you think John Lydon might have anything to do with all this? I know he's an irrelevant old pantomime dame who no longer poses any threat to anyone other than himself and the odd personal assistant, but it's all a little too coincidental for my liking. They didn't let Him or Steve Jones do a tour of the Country Life factory perchance?

Then we have Irish pork. Or rather we don't. What an absolute bag of old bollocks!

The risk from dioxins in this situation is deemed to be very low. You'd probably need to eat nothing but Irish pork products for the next two years to become ill, but that hasn't stopped vast amounts of only slightly iffy food being binned to fend off the prospect of Daily Mail fueled mass hysteria. Fuck me! Does anyone realise how much filth and poison we consume on a daily basis? If you ate a supermarket apple, a Big Mac and drank a can of Coke today, then let's just say that a few dodgy Irish bangers aren't going to make a whole heap of difference to your general health. Look, I'm not advocating a laissez faire attitude towards food safety ("yes you are!" - blog readers), but can we all just accept that you might as well withdraw ready salted crisps because they carry a threat of scurvy if you ate twenty bags a day.

There, that made no sense at all.

Mind you, nor did seeing Bernie Clifton* on TV recently. (Caution ladies!, site contains semi naked Keith Harris/Bernie Clifton photos)

I quite like Paul O'Grady, I also like some of his show, but the moment Bernie 'fucking' Clifton appears with his blessed ostrich, well, I'm off to do something a little more entertaining, like rub salt in my eyeballs, or count my nostril hairs. I thought that guy was dead, but hell, I suppose those old lags never die, they just disappear into the anonymity of pantomime and local radio.

Or maybe, if they're particularly poor, they get gigs as opening night turn at slums like Lapland New Forest.

My first thought when I read of the Dorset hell hole was "Pah! What did you expect?". Having seen this article on the Kent Lapland experience, I can now honestly say that the notion that people would be mugs to think such a theme park could ever be anything other than a dismal rip-off, is a little bit inaccurate and unfair. The £75 per head entry fee is horrific, but there is something of a 'Christmas Experience' involved, with customers booked in small-ish groups, rather than the messy, disorganised, turn up on the day approach of the New Forest site.

Having seen Youtube clips of the the approach to the infamous park, I can tell you that it's the sort of place that had I been taken there as a nipper by my folks, they would have turned tail before they got to the pay gate. Therein lies the problem. Some folk most probably did smell a rat, but a promised day out in santa land for the kids is not easily weasled out of. It's very hard to explain the concept of cheap, shoddy crap to a six year old, and the attitude of 'best just pay the cash and keep them quiet' seems to prevail.

This sort of shit is everywhere, and even the sharpest folk get suckered in occassionally

The Nazz - Open My Eyes Taken from Lenny Kaye's Nuggets comp *Not Bernie Winters, of Schnorbitz & Glasgow Empire infamy

Oh Dear Delia.............!

I like salt. Salt is good, it makes my food taste of, well, salt I suppose, but it's better than no salt which is a miserable thing. Take salt out of most food and it will taste of shit. I hasten to add that I'm not referring here to processed food, which probably has far too much of the stuff, but instead I mean home made food. This is where Delia comes in. Looks like the old dear has incurred the wrath of dietary fascists who stalk this land. Her crime? Publishing recipes using, er................ processed food............. ?

Shit! There goes that arguement...............

Anyway, Caitlin Moran has written a very good article in The Times which provides a spot on overview of Delia's 'Shock! Horror!' defection from preparing wholesome sunday lunches and fondant fancies in favour of rattling together dishes with the aid of frozen, tinned and packet ingredients. It's aimed squarely at people who convince themselves that they have no time to cook, an absurdity in itself, but we shall pop back to that in a moment.

It all reminds me of a show that was on tv years ago, usually broadcast in five minute bursts in the early hours of Saturday or Sunday morning, the name of which I forget, which involved various unkempt student types demonstrating ad-hoc post-pub gastronomical delights to a nation of sozzled sots. This time however, instead of 'Gregg and Hannah' showing you how to throw together a vegetarian spag bol, or 'Fat Gaz' letting you in on his secret techniques for making 'Fried Egg in Tomato Ketchup', it's Delia chucking tinned mince, pre grated cheese and freeze-dried mash into the mix and making cottage pie. Oh well, I suppose peeling a few spuds, boiling them and then mashing them will take all night, won't it? Fresh mince is fairly cheap and takes minutes to brown off in a pan, and frankly, if you can't be arsed grating some cheddar, then you truly are a useless c**t. The difference beteen making the dish with fresh ingredients and with ready ingredients is maybe an hour. You haven't got an hour to spare of an evening? C'mon!!

It's not all bad though, this chap reckons Delias 'chuck' isn't nearly as bad as the foodies (see the quote from Giles Coren in the Caitlin Moran article: "Like having a pig piss in your throat") and the nutritionists are making out. Or maybe he's just in the pay of the likes of Knorr, Campbells and John West..................

Of course, I'm one to talk. My diet isn't great and relies on jars and tins to a degree, but what gets me is that there are people out there who are even lazier than I am. people who won't cut and cook some chicken, won't fry off some beef mince, won't boil a spud or grate some cheese....................

Contrary to poular belief, you can make decent food in jig time, using fresh ingredients. I know this, for I have done it. All that stops me from doing it more often is a lack of imagination and a palate that calls a halt to proceedings at the merest whiff of 'green stuff'.

I have no fear of salt, not as long as tomatoes and broccoli stalk the earth..............

Grilled Pizza

Possibly the least accurate statement ever made.

Yes, tonight I grilled a pizza. It tasted like shit, as you might imagine. It was not intentional, but nonetheless it must rank as a first for me, considering my widely respected aptitude for heating up food.

Next week I shall be deep frying a Ceaser Salad, par-boiling some macaroni cheese and oven baking Tomato Soup.