Wednesday, August 15, 2007

If You Can Get Coffee In A Boozer, Why Can't I Get A Pint In A Coffee Shop?



Seven double espressos? What did she think it would do to her? Oh, she didn't know they were doubles............Fuckwit! Is this the new thing for the kiddies? Have White Lightning and Kestrel had their day? Is this the only way to get ripped to the tits? If her description is anything to go by, it wouldn't surprise me. The only other drugs that have similar effects are very, very controlled.

I must say,drinking coffee is something I do only in the following situations.

1 - In the morning, after a heavy night and you need to mainline some caffeine to even get out the door.

2 - At work, simply as a way of keeping your eyes open after staying up to all hours watching clips of swearing hamsters and rude episodes of Rainbow on Youtube. No poncey cafetieres or espresso machines here. No, it's three heaped spoons of freeze dried Nescafe poison,half a bag of sugar and as much boing water as you can fit into a 150ml plastic water cup. Oh, and a dash of milk to make it palatable.

3- When all someone has is herbal teabags.



When would I not drink coffee? Oh, just about any other time. Social coffee or, 'Let's do coffee' as it's known. Gah! Fuck that. It's the demon drink or nothing at all I'm afraid. Why in the name of all that's holy would I pay about three quid for something I can have at home for pennies and makes me feel crap anyway? Sure, I can booze at home for pennies too ('and Lo, the Lord did create Lidl and the iLL Man did quite righteously rejoice'), but that's a bit sad. A bit like going out to drink fucking coffee.

Look, I'm off the fucking stuff. I have come to the not unreasonable conclusion that tea is a much better drink. I can also never be fucking arsed with the rigmarole involved in making a decent cup of coffee. Oh sure, theres an espresso machine at home, but I'm damned if I'm going to wrestle with the bastard at 8am on a Monday morning. Or any other time for that matter. This is of course why people go to coffee shops and why I choose to believe they are delusional rubes.

Ah, I jest. Sort of......

Drink all the coffee you want and enjoy yr buzz. It's sounds most amusing.........


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahahaha that story is magic! I had a pal and when she drank coffee (just 1) would get all giddy and very entertaining. I would encourage her to drink it just for fun!

I love a good cup o the brown stuff in the mornin (canny function without it), but not that ming-in nescafe garbage. Eeeeyuuuuuch!!!!

FYI - You can get a lovely cup of coffee in Weatherspoons for 99p, lets put all those ridiculously expensive anal coffee shops outa business, YEAH.

Hope yer well iLL Man, long time no hear u boozaholic!!

Ps festi tickets on their way yayy


love Di x

Lord Milky said...

Booze in cafes works everywhere but here. I weep for Britain's backward nature.

iLL Man said...

Diane - A good tip that, cheers. Thing is, I go into a boozer and I buy........Beer? It's my weakness and probably an answer to the original question. My local haunt, Cafe JJ on Dumbarton Road does a perfectly good cappucino for £1.50 and the staff are lovely.

Milky - I know. In the above mentioned cafe, they sell beer, but I doubt they'd appreciate you asking for a round without buying some food........Here and the States have the long spectre of temperence societies and prohibition to work through. Theres always that nagging feeling that we cannot be trusted with alcohol.