Like any semi-sane homo sapien, the moronic nature of our world is something I try to shelter from as much as possible. There are times though, when I feel like a bum caught in a thunderstorm with nothing more than a cardboard box and skinful of Special Brew to protect me from the elements. Cases in point...............
First up, Jordan gives it to us with both barrels. Apparently she reckons the death penalty is brilliant. Fair enough I say, her and countless millions think the same thing, so who am I to tell them not to ?
No, what vexes me is her notion that all rapists should be, er, raped.....?
I'm intrigued as to how exactly such a punishment would be meted out. I mean, is she proposing that a task force be employed to rape the rapists? Surely if you have people raping rapists, then that makes these people rapists too, so you would have to employ another group to rape the rapists you employed to rape the rapists. In turn, they too would become rapists and so on, until you have the rather absurd, not to mention unpleasant situation, whereby everyone on the planet becomes a rapist. I'm on two minds to be honest. Jordan is either one of the stupidest human beings on the face of the planet, or she's one kinky old tart.
One to ponder mes enfants, one to ponder..................
Another mystery of the universe is how Ulrika won Celeb Big Brother. I haven't watched much of this particular BB, but every time I did see her, she seemed to be doing a fair impression of someone having a plate of shite wafted under her nose. A fine performance, I have to admit.....
Anyway, I leave you with the news that drinking apple juice every day can prevent Alzheimer's disease. What journal of medicine has broken this news? Why, none other than the Daily Express! How long before they run a front page declaring that drinking your own piss will guarantee eternal life?
Anyway, I would imagine that for most Daily Express readers, the new found medicinal properties of apple juice have come just a little too late, no?
Each week there seems to be a new headline in either the Daily Mail or the Daily Express, proclaiming the miraculous qualities of everyday items like tomatoes, to prevent Cancer. Delve further and you will find a plethora of oddball alternative cures and panaceas for every ailment under the sun. With this in mind, not to mention the fair few bob I might earn from endorsing various spurious products, I have compiled a list of items that may, or may not have been scientifically tested, and may, or may not have curative properties.
Goat semen to cure piles
Monkey weewee to cure acne
Domestos to cure nosebleeds
A length of two by four across the head to cure migraines
A boot in the nuts to cure groin strain
60 Club King Size per day to cure Emphysema
Paracetemol to cure every ailment known to man...........
.....................and now that you're all in rude health and raring to go...
My local branch of Lidl is a quite wonderful place you know. Where else can you get heather plants for 39p, cans of nice German beer for 69p and footwear in any size but the one you require? That said, it's the folks who shop there that are the real reason I go. Don't be fooled by the 'poverty stricken' schtick I put on, I'm only in there for the banter. In reality, I live off Marks & Spencer ready meals and sip the finest wines and spirits.
Case in point. I'm standing in the queue sometime last week and I overhear a rather rough looking lady proclaim to her friend that she had "bought wan uv they laptops aff wee Davie".
Alas, said device was something of a disappointment to her.
"Ah canny get intae it though" she stated, "It keeps askin' fur a password........."
I'd like to make an appeal at this juncture. I'd like to ask of anyone who as had their laptop pc stolen in the past few months, to please get in touch with me, so I can pass on the code to the poor woman. I believe it was about fifty notes she paid for it. You know how much cheap voddie and cider you can buy for that?
Or maybe she used fake notes..................
This leads me to Lidl incident No2. The guy behind me in the queue the other day handed over a £20 note for his shopping. I was still packing my stuff away when the girl at the check out suspected something was amiss. The note felt 'wrong' and she called a colleague. Her colleague checked for a water mark and confirmed that indeed, the note was as bent as a thirteen pound note bearing an image depicting Jimmy Saville in frenzied sexual congress with an ostrich on one side. The chap didn't put up much of a protest, simply muttering something about the bookies he'd just been to, swearing that he'd take it back and give them a piece of his mind. I assumed he had meant the local Willie Hill, but obviously not,as he went off in the opposite direction, no doubt in an attempt to pass the fucker off at the mini-market up the road. The cheeky wee scamp.............
One last thing. For anyone who thought there was a chance of the world ending on Wednesday , have you ever considered idiocy as a career? You've actually got another fortnight or so to go before the black holes come to get you, they were only switching the fucker on to see if everything worked. Full scale proton collisions don't get underway for a wee while yet..........
Mind you, if you keep your head under the covers and don't expose any body parts, you'll be perfectly safe......................
Monster Mash - Bonzo Dog Band:
Taken from the 'Tadpoles' album, available on the 'Cornology' set. Many of the songs from this album were aired on the ground breaking childrens tv show 'Do Not Adjust Your Set', a predecessor to Monty Python's Flying Circus.
When you do what I do for a living, the mind tends to wander off in search of improved mental stimulation. Of course, this generally involves internet abuse, scribbling out food shopping lists and doodling on notepads. Today however, I got to thinking about what might happen if we were to declare our own countries.
Think of the little part of the world you live in and imagine what you would do with it if it were to gain independence. My thoughts on the subject are as follows..............
The state would be named 'The Peoples Republic of Maryhill'.
Initially I would run the state from the burnt out ruins of the Community Central Halls, as a symbolic gesture, before re-locating to the rather comfier local housing association offices until the mess made by my bloody coup was cleared up. I would then elect a polit-bureau consisting entirely of family members, friends and whatever local mental cases join my cause. The economy would be based on three nationalised industries. Fast food, off licenses and a scratch card lottery with bogus prizes.
Plans to invade Springburn, Hillhead and Possilpark would be formulated in due course.
Sounds like paradise!
Ok, your turn now. I need some allies........................ ;)
Forgive my abscence, the past week has taken a fair old bit out of my rheummy old bones. I've also been busy with other little projects which have taken up a fair bit of my time.
I was reminded on Saturday night of two reasons why I don't go out much anymore.
1 - Wetherspoons seems to be the standard meetup joint for these escapades. Yes, the beer is cheap, but when you consider that the standard of service is pitiful and the food is disgusting, you sort of realise why they can afford to sell cut price booze. To top it off, the gorilla in the sta-prest suit that passed as their security actually made a beeline for me and asked that I remove the skip cap I had on. I know it's not exactly the most aesthetically pleasing look in the world, but my hair was in a state and needed to be hidden. I think he was itching to kick fuck out of someone to be honest......................
2- City centre venues can kiss my arse. Went to see some bands with my brother and his girlfriend at the Classic Grand, and to be honest, was bored rigid. Also got scammed at the bar. Twelve quid for three pints!!! It was only when I went to the bar later to find out if there was anything available that wasn't a fiver, that I realised that it was a flat rate of three quid per pint. My brother, never one to let these things lie, had it out with the bar staff and all but accused the girl who served him of ripping him off. Sadly, I think he had a point. How do you pour three pints and think it's four? The music is probably best not discussed. One mob sounded like the anaemic offspring of The Editors and Razorlight. The 2nd lot looked quite good and had a singer that looked like Nick Drake in drainpipes and winkle pickers, but their songs were distinctly unmemorable. The last lot were Arcade Fire without the stage prescence or tunes.
Is this what the kids want? It's certainly what they're given and they seem to lap it up like it was manna from heaven. Dreary, predictable and not worth paying to see. Give me Circle of Tyrants and their malformed thrash metal bretheren any day of the week. Live music should be fun, not a chore.
I can honestly say that there is no greater joy in life than when I'm immersed in a damn fine book, be it Kafka, Kinky Friedman or a bit of Enid Blyton. So, quite why I've read less than a hundred novels in my lifetime is maybe a question that will remain unanswered, unless you know me personally, in which case you'll roll your eyes and yell "It's because you're a lazy twat with the attention span of a mayfly!!"
Jim Bliss over at The Quiet Road has a meme for us. It consists of taking the results of the BBC's 'Big Read' poll and marking off what you've read, what you intend to read, what you have no intention of reading and what you utterly despised. Big problem for me is that I've only read about ten of the fuckers, which is slightly less than twice what the poll compilers thought 'The Average Person' would have read. Nonetheless, it's a somewhat embarrassing figure, even for a troglodyte like me. I suppose I could bump it up to 15 if I were to include the books listed that I've started and not finished............................
I shan't re-print the list, it would be too depressing, but what I will do is provide a list of novels that weren't in the list. but ruddy well ought to have been.
A Clockwork Orangeby Anthony Burgess:Nadsat. That's all you need to know. That and some murder, mayhem, fantastic pacing, and two different endings, depending on what side of the Atlantic you lived on. The Brits got the upbeat 'man comes good with age and experience' ending, the Yanks got the 'Humanity is vile' ending. Cool!
The Scene by Clarence Cooper Jr: A gruelling merry-go-round of drug addicts, pimps, whores, cops and low-life's. That sounds like a put down but it's not. Quite the opposite actually. Cooper's writing is the key, grimly vivid, it grabs you by the fucking nuts and doesn't let go, slinging you from character to character without mercy. Some would argue that it's 'mere pulp'. I would argue that they are wankers. If you see it, buy it. At worst, you'll quite enjoy it.
The Castle by Franz Kafka: The logic defying world concocted by Kafka in The Castle will always remain with me. Every time I wake up from a bizarre dream or encounter bureaucratic insanity, the frustrations and trials (no pun intended) of 'K' always seem to come to mind. A lone Land Surveyor arrives in a remote village to find that he's wanted neither at the administrative centre (The Castle) nor in the village itself. He desperately hooks up with a barmaid and ends up as a brow-beaten school caretaker. It matters not, for he will seemingly stop at nothing to gain access to the impenetrable castle. A little tragi-comic relief comes in the shape of his appointed assistants who resemble a sort of retarded Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. Frustratingly, they seem to have more contact with the Castle than he does.
It's as dense as hell and the humour is pitch black.
No more so than at the bottom of the last page............ ;)
Mugabe Tipped To Land Hearts Job; Street parties In Gorgie
Murray Fist Pumping Craze Grips Over 75's Tennis Tourney In Kelvingrove; 13 Dead.
Ecclestone Declares Braehead Shopping Centre Carpark As Venue For 2015 British F1 Grand Prix.
Ronaldo Signs For 'Real Madrid Boys Club', Gateshead; Fergie Denies All Knowledge
Tour de France Organisers Unable To Guarantee 'Juicy Drug Scandals' Shock!
Olympics: Team GB Mobile Brothel Detained At Chinese Border.
Zimbabwe 20/20 Cricket Ban Last Straw For 'Mad Bob'; Free Elections Declared.
Calzaghe Admits Inventing 'BOBFOC' Boxing Belt For A Laugh.
Speedway Finally Declared A 'Circus Sport'. You Know, A Bit Like Trapeze and Wall Of Death......but far more dangerous
Gymnastics Officially Denied Sporting Status; Dirty Old Men Take To The Street In Protest.
All bloggers have lists of other bloggers in their sidebars; blogs you love, blogs you hate (but visit anyway, prodding away at them like sore teeth), and blogs you merely 'quite like'. Blogs you visited once in 1973, blogs who showed up on your tracker, blogs you want to like, blogs who you want to like you. Blogs that make you laugh, blogs that make you sick, blogs that make you feel old before your time, blogs that appear and disappear like Brigadoon, blogs that once linked you and now no longer do, but you're too proud to remove their link..................... Besides, you need the friends.........
Imagine for a moment, that you were only allowed to show three links to other blogs at any one time (I'm thinking of THISbut taken to it's illogical conclusion)
Simply put, what three blogs do you go to first when you log on and access your site/aggregator?
All bloggers have lists of other bloggers in their sidebars; blogs you love, blogs you hate (but visit anyway, prodding away at them like sore teeth), and blogs you merely 'quite like'. Blogs you visited once in 1973, blogs who showed up on your tracker, blogs you want to like, blogs who you want to like you. Blogs that make you laugh, blogs that make you sick, blogs that make you feel old before your time, blogs that appear and disappear like Brigadoon, blogs that once linked you and now no longer do, but you're too proud to remove their link..................... Besides, you need the friends.........
