Monday, October 30, 2006

Can You Name My Wolf Please?

As you may have noticed, theres a ruddy great big dog prowling about in my sidebar. Meet my adopted 'cyber pet' My problem is that I don't have a name for it and I was just wondering if any of you had any ideas. In a fit of perversity I had called the poor animal "Foo Foo" but soon changed my mind. Last thing I need is a wolf with self esteem issues. I await your suggestions eagerly. Back to work today. Absolute murder to be honest, but if I don't go back now I never will.................Ok, not such a bad thing I suppose, but needs must when the devil drives and christmas/city breaks/trips to Firhill don't pay for themselves. Anyway, how can I be unhappy when i've got The Darling Buds, The Wedding Present and The Jasmine Minks jangling away in the background? Pop heaven................... ..................Or hell if you don't hold with such bedwetting feyness. Your loss luv. Anyway, it's just gone 10 pm and I really must have me tea Cheers!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Shingles Is So Last Wednesday Afternoon..............

I've actually been malingering my way towards a return to work for about three days now..... A week and a half of hot water bottles, waking up feeling like i'd been set on fire and trying not to look at the scaley rash that appeared on my abdomen................ Of course, now there isn't a dvd in my collection I haven't watched. Twice. I did buy factotum (good, but the book's better) and I found Bubba Ho-Tep (genius), but theres only so many times you can watch Vic & Bob or Futurama before you lose the will to live. The pox that is daytime tv also did it's best to send me insane. If I was in charge of daytime tv, i'd simply show back to back Columbo's or Rockford Files, maybe some brilliant old movies like Grand Prix, Some Like It Hot, Kind Hearts & Coronets, The Dambusters etc, topped off with old Top Of The Pops re-runs. The day I decide I want to watch people clear out the worthless tat from their loft and sell it at a carboot sale is the day I find a sharp stick and gouge my eyes out. Or at least get someone to do it for me. Fuckers!!! I've also become something of an officianado of the hot water bottle. I started the week with one which was losing it's inside lining every time I emptied it. I now have three of the buggers. One of them is a strange fabric covered gel pack that you put in the microwave. Most convenient. Also mildly disturbing. Next week I shall bring you a consumer report on fluffy slippers and an 'Ovaltine vs Horlicks Hot Bedtime Beverage Road Test'. The way I see it, I'm just getting the practice in for when I become an old cunt.

In The Process Of Moving

Fed up with Blogger and just a touch curious about beta, I decided to get myself set up. Not sure how I transfer my old archives over. In the meantime I'll keep posting here, but also start a few cursory postings here with a view to moving permanently in time. It's a new url etc so theres going to be a bit of a problem with updating yr links. You could always come here, then hit the link to the beta blog I suppose. It's up to you............... Cheers!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Weeping Like A Child That's Lost It's Only Toy

I've just lost a post to bloggers random 'maintainence outage' and i'm fucked if i'm retyping the bastard. All I did was try to save the fucking thing..................Not knowing what 2-3am PDT means I had assumed it was something that was coming up rather than something that was happening as I typed. I've had the outage warnings before but it's never been a problem............... Is it beyond these docile fuckwits to co-ordinate their outages with timezones etc? Ah, sorry, i'm forgetting I got this shit for free and you really do get what you pays for...... It's not like I had anything of much worth to impart. You could have lived without it. It may just have made you smile/chuckle/roll your eyes or it might have made you question your existance (and not in a good a way.....). Anyway, i'm alive, slightly unwell and ready to re-enter society. Mine's a half of Absinthe landlord.....

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Spending The Year Dead For Tax Reasons

Sounds like a plan.................... I'm getting better but I still feel too shitty to sit and write much. A big thankyou to everyone that left a well wishing message a few posts back, very much appreciated. The ill mother says thankyou.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

No Title

I'm off to bed folks. More to say tomorrow with a little luck.

Monday, October 16, 2006

More Impotent Rage

How are ya? I feel like shite, thanks for asking. Blogger can go and die in a hole for a start. I AM ILL MAN AND I WILL NOT BE COCKED ABOUT BY A BLOG PROVIDER!!! Please let me print my photos...........please? Might as well talk to the fucking tooth fairy. Well, today started nicely. I'm back in my old office and all the better for it. On the down side of that, I have a mystery illness. Well, illness is stretching it, but it involves back pains, touch sensitive skin around my trunk (I think that's what they call that bit where the beer gut goes....)and a small rash developing on me back. If anyone as any clues then feel free pass them on, but i'm going to see the quack sometime this week to find out just how big a hypochondriac i'm being. The best thing about changing offices is that I don't need to take the subway anymore. I took it every morning for two years and I can honestly say that my latest brush with Glasgows antiquated underground system has left me in no doubt at all that I must have been fucking insane to cram onto it day in, day out, surrounded by the most pig ignorant, rude and unpleasant people you could possibly meet outside of a BNP rally. I shall not miss their horrific BO, gut churning halitosis and unfathomable desire to stand on top of each other in the doorway section of the carriage when theres loads of space to stand in the aisle. Fucking Cattle. Moo!! My day was topped off perfectly by finding out that my mother doesn't have bowel cancer. Nope, she has breast cancer and it's spread to the bowel. Fucking lovely. The cancer itself was too deeply buried in the breast to be detected by anything other than a mammogram. Mammograms are taken once every three years and the last one she had was clear. It's treatable and they're fairly confident of sending it into remission but basically it's incurable. Which is nice...........

Saturday, October 14, 2006

"You've Been Chosen As An Extra In The Movie Adaptation Of The Sequel To Your Life"

Ok, as promised and nicked off Billy, a soundtrack of sorts to accompany the cheap TV movie they probably won't make about my existance. Opening Credits: Finlandia - Sibelius Suitably grandiose, don't you think? Waking Up: New Day Rising - Husker Du New Day Rising!!!!!!!! First Day at School: Bullet Proof (Wish I Was...) - Radiohead Lonliest kid in the playground (awww!) Sex Song: Next - Sensational Alex Harvey Band Just to be perverse Party Song: The Intro & The Outro - Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band Adolph Hitler On Vibes.........Nice! Falling in Love: Quick And To The Pointless - Queens Of The Stoneage Ok, falling in lust then......... Fight Song: Black Dog - Led Zeppelin It just sounds like a song that wants to kick yer head in........... Getting Stoned: 3 Angels - Codeine I don't get stoned very often, so we'll call this 'Getting Drunk'. Breaking Up: Don't Go Back To Rockville - REM Bittersweet rather than bitter. Why throw crockery at the wall when you can just shrug and get on with it...................? Prom: Misirlou - Martin Denny Pure Tiki Lounge tat Life's OK: 7 Nation Army Self explanatory Mental Breakdown: 30 Seconds Over Tokyo - Pere Ubu "I Don't Need A Cure, I Need A Final Solution........" Driving: Northwest Passage - Papa M No Jeremy Clarkson approved soft rawk travesties here! Flashback: Wired For Sound - Cliff Richard A truly terrifying thought. Getting Back Together: Cactus - The Pixies "Bloody Your hands On A Cactus Tree, Wipe Them On Your Dress And Send It To Me" Wedding: We Dance - Pavement ........."But No One Will Dance With Us" Birth of Child: Cells - Teenage Fanclub I don’t preach and I don’t pray but I can feel the slow decay. Final Battle: Revolution Blues - Neil Young "But I hate them worse than lepers and I'll kill them in their cars" Death Scene: Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues - McLusky Messy, Very Messy............... Funeral Song: Will The Night - Low The demo version. This makes me cry when I hear it leaving work on a friday, so just think what it'll do at a corpse launch............. Closing Credits: Blitzkrieg Bop/Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment/Rockaway Beach - Ramones ................But why be sad?

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Random 4

I'll get round to Billy's meme thing tomorrow probably. At this moment in time though, it would seem that someones whacked up the heating and i'm feeling pretty drowsy...............

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


I meant to blog last night but I fell asleep. Ok, a good nights kip for once, or so you would think. It was one of those ones where I kept waking up. 2am, 4am, 6am and so on, so it didn't feel quite as refreshing as it should have. Anyway, didn't have much to say to be honest but I did want to say one important thing. ***THANKYOU CLAIRWIL*** .............Ok, a bit over the score there, but I have been a bit glum of late so thanks for hi-lighting my plight and sending me the links for PopBitch, Holymoly and The Friday Project . Also a big shout to Fat Sparrow who came up with one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time. Flying Rodent came bearing YouTube goodness and Keiran provided a link to a bunch of old Bob Dye-lan press conferences Thanks all of you. Did I miss anyone? No? Good! Now, onto matters at hand. It has been noted that I don't take much notice of whats going on in the world anymore and who am I to argue? The weekends two principal news stories are just two of the many reasons I can give for running away like a frightened rabbit from any form of newsmedia. First of all Jack Straw, whose unsolicited and slightly miscalculated comments (or were they?) about the veil went down about as well as an appearance by Trevor Kavanagh at a Solidarity meeting. Of course the floodgates opened. The Mail had their 'BAN THE VEIL' front page, complete with a ludicrously one sided poll of it's terrified readers. By midweek every tuppenny ha'penny attention seeker was fucking at it. Some twat in the further education biz came out today to tell us that he had banned the veil in his college. (I only saw that one on Sky, so the story has to be fading) All very sad but all very predictable. Yeah, let's tell people of other faiths how to dress. That'll fly................ The 'debate' has been marked on both sides by a sort of 'fingers in the ears I CAN'T HEAR YOU NYAH NYAH NYAH!!!!' approach. There was talk of some rational discussion amongst the Asian community as a whole early on, but it all got blown away by the right wing press and the opportunists. The Muslim rent-a-mob crew got in on the act by doing a bit of protesting and shouting the odds but really, can you blame them? Take the chances while you can and all that........Anyway, whilst I doubt it's turned many Muslim women on to the veil, I also doubt it's managed to get any of those who chose to wear it to remove it, even for brief social interaction. Sadly the 'debate' this was probably meant to provoke had it's head kicked in within 24 hrs of the story breaking. Nice. The other thing that got my goat over the weekend was the comedy story concerning North Korea. Are these arseholes serious? Let me see, North Korea has just built a bomb. It has no way of deploying it but hell theres the 'Primate in Chief' to tell us all that this is a grave new threat and showing us that yes, he's yet to master the proper pronunciation of the word 'nuclear'. I have no doubt it's entirely possible that the end of the world may come sometime soon. What I do doubt is that North Korea will be responsible. Look, a drunk with a James Bond obsession is no more of a danger than the incumbent retard in The White House(or his successor). What's more, can anyone tell me why it's perfectly safe for a hemmed in and paranoid nation like Israel or such uneasy neighbours as India and Pakistan to have big bad boombooms but our Korean chum with the tinted glasses and the deeply unfashionable leather jackets can't have them? Jolly unfair if you ask me. Yes, I know he's unhinged, but so was Boris Fucken Yeltsin. Anyway, every Tom Dick and Harry seems to have a nuke or is at least 'working on a project'. Why all the outrage and disgust over North Korea? I'm sure it was all pretty much done to show off anyway, like a teenager lighting his farts simply because he can. As I said, the end of the world may be nigh, but I think North Korea are a wee bit too late to be doing much about it.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Ill Man Returns

..........and i'm back. Not a bad weekend to be honest. Scotland did what I never imagined they would by beating France at football. They'll probably get horsed by the Ukraine on wednesday, but then I expect that so it's no real worry. I had turned the badly malfunctioning radio off in the caravan after hearing what I thought to be a 1-0 scoreline for the French(after much channel fiddling etc). When it was turned on an hour later, and I heard the actual result, I do believe the caravan succeeded in lifting a few inches off the ground.........

Anyway, nice site, friendly locals(more later) and a bit of good old fashioned day tripping. One day took me to the Museum Of Flight and Concorde, the next day to the bike racing at East Fortune and a jaunt to Eyemouth and St Abbs Head.

Then it was home to Glasgow and the crap weather and work tomorrow and................well, I feel ok but there is a wee CL caravan site in East Lothian that I can't recommend enough and I think I left part of myself there............

Friday, October 06, 2006

It's Late, So Late And My Carriage Leaves At Dawn......

It's been a bit of a week all told. My mother has probably aged about two years in the space of about four days what with being fucked about over her tests. Sad to report my old man won't be stringing the useless cunt doctor up by his nuts. Instead They'll be making a formal complaint. I still liked the first option best to be honest................. Oh, and Clairwil still seems to be attracting a steady flow of hysterical bints over at her blog. I hope she's got a prize ready for the 200th caller. And a pot of tea and a tray of sandwiches. I think some of them have been on that thread since wednesday. Anyway, i'm away for the weekend. I'm leaving you in charge.................

Heroes Of Comedy & Light Entertainment No2 : Terry Wogan

Terry On The Radio Terry On The TV Wogan On Vinyl Terry Terrorises Eurovision Terry In Temporary Gender Transformation (old news)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Break Out The Turkey Twizzlers Folks, Slobber Chops Has Fucked Off..................For Now

Hiya Everybody!!............ (Hiya Ill Man!!) My main concern tonight is food. Being a bit of a nosey old sod and a one time short order cook, i'd like to know what my readers had for their last evening meal. Why? Because like the aforementioned Mr Oliver I am concerned about your diet. Do you have a balanced and moderate diet? Are you a carbohydrate junkie? Do you eat nothing but protein? Do you automatically shove anything not meat coloured to the side of the plate? You might be a vegetarian....... Tonight for instance I found the secret to a half decent homemade, on-the-hoof curry. Some mixed curry pastes, a few nobs of butter, a wee bit of water and the obligatory sprinkling of ginger and Garam Massala all in a pan over some fried chicken. The final touch is some 'Imperial Red Rice'. Yummers! as Billy would say. So, whether it was pie and beans or something exotic like turkey escalopes and chips...................let me know. I'm keen to guage what my fellow blogger has for his or her tea. Also, if any of you have any exotic and ingenious home recipes for curries, soups etc, please feel free to share them. I will rip them off in front of assorted relatives and say I thought of them all on my own. I promise.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Dentist Part 3

Part 1 Part 2 Malcolm Severin sat in the car and stared up the street towards his surgery door. His fear had turned to indignation. Who was this cunt? What the fuck did he want the surgery for? Being a good little boy and making himself scarce had ceased to be an option. The idea of toddling off to Darling's seedy Soho club for a couple of Banana Daquiri's was no longer on the agenda. Malcolm wanted to know exactly what this distinctly vile quartet were up to and he thought he knew exactly how to find out. He shifted the car a few streets down and got out. He knew the lanes in the area as well as anyone, except maybe the binmen and the rats. He was fairly relieved that there were no binmen about and the only vermin he was concerned about were the shitbags currently occupying his surgery. On reaching the fire escape at the back of his surgery he knew instantly that something deeply unpleasant was going on. It was lying slightly ajar and though his first notion was to make his way straight into the building, he held himself back. He listened for breathing or footpaces on the other side, trying not to breath himself. It became obvious with his nervous and heavy breathing that if there had been someone on the other side of the door they would have heard him by now, so he tapped the door fully open with his foot.

Malcolm was beginning to join some dots now. He sidled into the marble floored main hall just in time to hear a dentist's drill start up and a roar of utter terror from someone. It sounded almost animal in it's ferocity. Malcolm moved over to a door on the far side of the hall where he thought the sound was coming from. It was surgery one, his pristine, state of the art personal workroom where he treated all his highest paying clients. Whoever was in the chair seemed to be paying a price that went beyond mere pounds and pence. The screams subsided after a few minutes, only to be replaced by sobbing and gurgling. The drill stopped and Malcolm heard the muffled babble of voices. He heard one voice get nearer and in a flash he was back into the fire escape. The door didn't open though and within a minute the drill was being revved up for round two. whoever it was on the end of this rather impromptu dental checkup was letting out a few meek sobs but they were obviously saving their breath for the next installment. Malcolm slowly shuffled over to the door again and with a deep breath put his eye to the spy-hole.

He couldn't see what the 'patient' looked like, he was obstructed by the two heavies holding him down and the small wiry guy warming up the drill. Darling was pacing about in a slightly manic fashion. Maybe it was his job to make sure the man in the chair 'gargled and rinsed'. Very important job that.

The screaming started again as the man with the drill moved in on his victim. It was now that Malcolm saw the blood all across the surgery floor and the wall nearest the chair. A fine spray of the stuff, barely visible at first but nonetheless decorating parts of the sterile white surgery with a sickly pink spray that would never look good in any light. The tattooed torturer was covered in blood and the heavies were having trouble staying out the way of it too. Eddie Darling was nowhere to be seen though. Malcolm had no doubt he was busy in the little cubby hole in the corner of the room making himself a cup of tea and reading a copy of Peoples Friend or Vogue pilferred from the waiting room. After another minute or so the man in the chair had gone somewhat limp. Where before he had been screaming, flailing and kicking like someone undergoing electric shock therapy, now he just lay there in silence with only the high pitched whine of the drill resonating around the cavernous room.

Malcolm wanted to prise himself away from the door, he was on the verge of nausea as it was. Something kept his eye to the peep-hole though. He soon got what he needed to break the grisly spell. The drill weilding man moved away from the motionless figure in the chair. The two heavies had moved away when the man had stopped struggling. There on the chair lay a man with no face. All there was below his cheekbones was a bloody, tattered hole that you could have put both your fists into. His eyes were rolled back in their sockets and he was drenched in his own 'claret'. In fact, it was still oozing out of the gaping wound, they'd done everything but stick the drill up his nose and trepan his brain Malcolm's faint nausea turned to a full blown retch but nothing came out. He stumbled back from the door before launching himself down the fire escape. He stopped halfway down to listen for footsteps, he couldn't be sure they hadn't heard him almost lose his breakfast. No footsteps or voices seemed to be approaching and he continued on his way back to daylight.

In the car Malcolm suddenly realised that unless he fancied drinking his dinner through a straw for the rest of his life, he'd better get over to Soho in a flash. He knew how to get there in fifteen minutes but he also knew he could use the old 'heavy traffic' excuse for being late. The image of the man with no face was still fresh in his mind and he had no desire to be next in line for this rather unique approach to administering a Chelsea smile.

Last Lines: Unanswered Clues Answered And A Winner Declared

No2 - Andmoreagain by Love No5 - Branches by Midlake No6 - Ice Hockey Hair by Super Furry Animals No9 - Something For The Girls Who Has Everything by Sparks No10 - 'A' Bomb on Wardour St by The Jam No17 - The Giant Of Illinois by The Handsome Family Anyway, thanks to Binty (the winner with five correct), Flying Rodent, Lism, Clairwil, Billy and Udge for participating. Quite amusing, might do it again one day...... I'll have something proper up later for you all to read. Bye!