Saturday, May 05, 2007

Face It, Life Could Be So Much Worse............

"I'll thank you to mind your own business sir, whom I vote for is between me and the ballot box. Though for the record, I voted Conservative, Communist on the list and everyone but Labour on the council form. Cheers!"
(extract from The iLL Man: A Life Lived In Imagined 'Vox Pop' Interviews)

How can people get it so wrong? Nah, not voting SNP in unprecedented numbers (one of the Scottish publics better moves in my humble opinion). I mean the whole ballot paper fiasco. Sure, there were fuck ups with machinery, abandoned counts, ferry/helicopter tribulations and the postal votes were handled extremely badly, but surely the biggest cock up of all was on the part of the 150,000 or so voters who failed to read the instructions on the ballot paper properly.............

Ok, some people get confused by such things, the elderly in particular. Indeed, there are people (not unlike myself) who roll through life in a state of absent mindedness and may have cocked up their council form...............But it's the numbers. 150,000 people.

We're talking here of people who are of sound mind and judgement, though obviously not 100% on what the system is, who couldn't be arsed looking at the instructions on the ballot papers. There were of course some very decent people in some polling stations who were more than willing to explain how it all worked. Other polling stations were less accommodating

Holding the council elections on the same day was probably not a good idea either, as this simply adds to the ratio of fucked up ballot papers/confused voters.

Ok, now I've had my Roy Keane/Vinnie Jones/Billy Abercrombie style 'studs up tackle' moment on the Scottish electorate, I think it's time I showed some solidarity. How embarrassing must it have been to see those images on the front of newspapers and on the Tv news, of the computer images of fucked up ballot papers, only to see the very vote you had cast staring back at you. Yes, the one with the cross and the no 2 in the corner, or maybe the number with the scrubbed out cross, or vice versa........

Nobody needs their noses rubbed in it.

Human beings have a propensity not to read instructions and I include myself in this. You don't need any elaborate system, you don't need any instruction seminars or leaflets or hectoring broadcasts. Simply hand people the form at the polling booth, tell them to read the instructions and if they're still confused, provide a few people per station to assist and explain. Maybe the person they deploy on the door to tell you where to go and vote, despite there being signs up telling you where to go and vote, could be better used no?

Anyways.............A big thanks for the response to the subject of the stain on the right leg of my jeans. The stain was last seen with it's agent at a Camden watering hole, in the company of Jack White, Geri Halliwell and Bruce Forsyth and sharing a taxi home with Melinda Messenger and Charlie Manson. Saucy!

I also hear the weather is to turn shit over the weekend. After near enough ten days of lovely sunshine, I'm sure some will say this is Gods punishment on man for returning the Feegie Fatman to his seat on Paisley Council. I say it's more to do with the law of sod dictating that 'thou shalt have the worst fucking weather possible for thine bank holiday weekend and thou shalt be happy with it'. Someone mentioned something about random chance, low pressure and isobars, but I chose to ignore them. Witchcraft I call it!

Youtube anyone?


Clairwil said...

The SNP might not be the party of my dreams but they were the best bet for a Labour kicking and gained 2 parliament and a council 1st choice from me.

The runners up on the Clairwil council ballott were Solidarity SSP Green and Conservative. As you know I don't normally vote tory, even for a laugh but as they were the only pro-union party not to resort to scare tactics against independance, I thought they deserved a wee nod for treating us like adults. Oh and for Ms Goldie's bungee jump.

Voting was a piece of piss. Frankly anyone (excluding the elderly or disabled) that cocked it up should be denied a vote for being a fucking moron.

David Duff said...

Clairwil, you've just nicked my point but as I've started, I'll finish.

For some time now I have cogitated (oh alright, I once spent 3.5 seconds wondering) on how one could minimise the franchise and cut out all the totally brain dead. Lo and behold, you Jocks have come up with the solution. Anyone too thick to understand the instructions loses their vote. It's brilliant!

(And don't go soppy by making exceptions for wrinklies and crips, even if I qualify as one of the former. Show no mercy!)

iLL Man said...

Clarewill(sic) and David - The SNP got my main shout, though I did actually vote Communist on the list, mainly for a hoot. I think I managed three on the council paper. SNP, Solidarity and Green, if the memory serves me.

As for spoiled papers, points taken. What can you do beyond leading them to the polling booth and holding the pencil for them.........?("~)

As for 'wrinklies and crips', I'd say a good deal of them probably got it right. A lot of perfectly average, seemingly normal people, as I said, are either pig thick, or don't bother to read and understand things.

I had no idea you were so old David. The formaldehyde must be doing it's job............ ;D

iLL Man said...

I also feel I should state that I am the man who forgot his year old, constantly used PIN number the other week. I have no right to be smug about anything....

Anonymous said...


u online?

Diane x

Anonymous said...

I might not make it tomorrow, can u bell me or leave a number somewhere and I'll bell u !? Cheers

D x

David Duff said...

'Ello, ello! Who's this "Diane X"? Come on, 'Ill Man', tell uncle David, it will go no further, promise!

As to the formeldehyde, it's not bad but has an embarrassing tendency to leak. Still, it covers up some of the whisky stains down my front, so it's not all bad.

Finally, I had better confess that my chances of understanding electronic voting systems verges on nil for the simple reason that I never read any instructions concerning modern day gadgets. It drives the little 'Memsahib' potty, thus providing yet another example of a black cloud with a silver lining!

iLL Man said...

David, I don't read instructions either. Takes the fun and adventure out of things.

Clairwil said...

Yes Yes but who is this Diane? Have you pulled?

Kim Ayres said...

I'd like to say that I got the voting right, but truth is I cocked it up slightly. I did the 1,2,3 etc on the council paper first, then turned my attention to the List and put a 1 in my prefered box. Realising I should have put an X and that the pencil didn't have an eraser on the top, I attempted to change it from a 1 to an X. Now, if this was looked at by a human it would be bloody obvious who I was voting for. But if it was done by a computer, there's no way of knowing whether my vote was rejected or counted as spoiled. Considering the f***ing tories re-took Galloway I'll be really pissed off if my vote was discounted.

iLL Man said...

David, Clairwil - God, you two can be crude! ;D Yes, Diane and I are what you youngsters might refer to as 'an item'.

Kim - I've already submitted your name to Mr Duff. He will be round first thing tomorrow morning to tick you off the register. ;D

Anonymous said...

How lucky am I that iLLman crossed my path?

Very lucky me thinks!!

Diane kiss

Billy said...

Nirvana YouTube - yay!

And what's all this about items?

iLL Man said...

Diane - And thankyou for crossing mine..... :)

Billy - I'd never seen that video before last Friday. Any requests for this Friday?

Items? oh, you know.....(suddenly all bashful...)