Wednesday, May 09, 2007

View From My Desk At Work/Economic Models Explained With Cows

On a good day, the blue sky and the jet trails and the cloud forms and the sunlight on the glass buildings all seem to bring a little more energy to my movement. The traffic and the motorway and the noise can all go fuck themselves......
If it's chucking it down, if it's grey and foreboding, then it's no better than any other view in the office and I have to turn to double heaps of Nescafe to stop me crashing out on the keyboard.....

Guess what I'm more used to doing? Just have me potted and have done with it.

In other news....

That's Bock The Robber away over to Wordpress. Hell mend him.........I never seem to go a week without someone grumbling about leaving Blogger....Am I the only one who's not had problems with Blogger since it changed? People who were on Blogger pre-Beta will tell you how awful it could be. The amount of times I almost lost my mind with rage just because the stupid fucker wouldn't upload a photo or two..........Seven Days would be impossible without the beta version. That said, as long as everything works, I'm easy pleased. I'm led to believe that an 'all singing, all dancing' Wordpress site is vastly superior.

Anyway, I'm just bitchin because I have to to re-link. Och!


Someone sent me this at work today. It's probably fairly old to a lot of you, but it made my day.

Economic Models explained with Cows- 2007 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
youwith nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.


THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

More suggestions welcomed.............

14 comments:

ZinZin said...

Thanks ill man brought a smile to my face.

iLL Man said...

Cheers Zinzin. You get the prize for being my fastest ever blog commenter. The ink was barely dry on that one... ;)

Anonymous said...

I like the view from your desk, but Im sure its grim on a grey day!

Diane x

alan said...

i've seen this cow thing before, but excellent to be reminded of it. i particularly like the indian one. maybe an irish one could be added - something along the lines of 'you have two cows and a bull but you have to keep them apart because they are incapable of understanding the rhythm method'. or have i gone bonkers here?

Billy said...

There's over 1000 here.

No peeking!

iLL Man said...

Diane - Today was a case in point. Just grey with the odd forlorn patch of blue.....Just waiting on the good stuff to come back....

Alan - That's pretty decent actually. Any others?

Billy - Och, I think I will.....

Bock the Robber said...

An all singing, all dancing Wordpress site is vastly superior?

Eh, no Ted.

In my experience, building a singing dancing Wordpress site gives you an ulcer and haemorrhoids.

Putting a Wordpress blog on their own free site is fine, but getting it hosted privately is Big Work.

Don't even think of doing it unless you have a tame Geek, and make sure he isn't a fat rugby-playing woman-chasing geek like my one.

Get a proper geek who lives on Coca-Cola and pizzas and has no life.

BTW thanks for the support during my change of location. It all helps.

iLL Man said...

Bock - The end result is fairly nifty though, no?

I take yr point about geeks though...I don't know any at all, so I'd be well screwed

Support? Oh, saying yr new link didn't work.....again.

No problem.

:D

SzélsőFa said...

The Hungarian version:
You have two cows.
Although they milk well, you are obliged to pay a yearly punishment for not keeping them according to EU-laws. You bribe the officer by selling him the milk at a lower price and you got away with the paying.
Then another law punishes you for selling the milk under non-EU-conform laws.
You have to sell both cows and re-pay the loan to the bank.

SzélsőFa said...

I've checked the site Billy suggested. I laughed until my cows reported me at the local EU-ombudsman for cows for not allowing them to have a quiet environment.

Ladybristol said...

I've never seen this before, very funny.

iLL Man said...

Szelsofa - Two very good additions........... ;D

ladybristol - Glad to be of service.

Fat Sparrow said...

I read your title as "Economic models exploded with cows," which gave me a few ideas, obviously....

NIGERIA -- You have several cows, which were left to you by a dead realtive. You just need some kind person to wire you $7,000 so you can claim the cows. In return, you will get a share of the cows.

NORTHERN IRELAND -- You have six cows. Gerry Adams demands that you give them back to Ireland.

HEZBOLLAH -- You have two cows. You sneak both of them into Israel from Lebanon. The Israeli army blows both of them up. You claim a victory.

HAMAS -- You have two cows. You strap bombs to them, and try sneaking them into Israel. Both cows blow up too soon, killing you.

AL QAEDA -- You hijack two cows. You throw both of them into an American skyscraper, and threaten to throw more.

ISRAEL -- You have two cows. American tax dollars paid for both of them.

EGYPT -- You have two cows. Dr. Zahi Hawass claims that they are ancient, and only he knows about them, and has a photo session in front of the Great Pyramid.

DARFUR -- You have no cows. China makes sure you will never have cows.

SYRIA -- You have three cows. One of them is from Iraq, and you're not sure how to get rid of it.

IRAN -- You have a lot of bulls, but no cows. You claim the bulls will only be used for peaceful purposes.

ANTARCTICA -- You have a lot of frozen beef. Australia says it's theirs.

CHINA -- You have 3,000,000,000,000 cows. They've all been fed cattle feed contaminated with melamine.

RUSSIA -- You have two cows. You used to have three, but you complained about Putin, and someone poisoned your cow.

CANADA -- You may have cows. No one knows, because no one really pays attention to Canada, other than Canadians.

BANGLADESH -- You're not sure how many cows you have, but they're all probably involved in a government corruption scandal.

VATICAN -- You have a cow and a bull. This is the only accepted way.

SPAIN -- You have a cow and a bull. You chuck the cow off a church steeple, kill the bull in a bull fight, and then have a siesta.

BRAZIL -- You have a lot of cows where the Amazon rain forest used to be.

THE FALKLAND ISLANDS -- You have a lot of cows that the Argentinians keep trying to take over.

MEXICO -- You have 20 million cows. You previously had 30 million. 10 million crossed illegally into the United States. They still support Mexico, though.

SICILY -- You have two cows. You pay protection money on both of them.

JAPAN -- You have twenty cows that you stole from Korea and China, and you refuse to admit that you let the Japanese Army have their way with the cows during WWII.

USA -- You have a bunch of dumb cows who voted for Bush twice.

Mine seem to be political cows, so I've obviously lost the plot somewhere. I'm stopping while I'm behind to go read Billy's link.

iLL Man said...

FS - I'll get this tomorrow. I can bearly see straight, never mind type...... ;)