Look Into My Eyes

............No, better not come to think of it. Anyway, it's my new invention (Patent Pending.......) Ideal for those hideous conferences and 'roadshows' one is periodically asked to attend by the arseholes in charge of the company one works for.

Hello! It has come to my notice that there is a Paddington Bear movie in the pipeline. Hurrah! On the downside, it turns out it's live action. How the flying fuck will that work? A man in a bear suit? Tame bear cub on a leash? (No you twat! They'll use CGI!)

C'mon, it's either the Ivor Wood style 'stop motion' or nothing at all. Sacreligious cunts! Adding insult to injury, they've got everyones favourite Kodiak Peruvian eating Marmite sandwiches in a new advert. What the fuck is that about? Can I please have the waste of sperm and eggs that came up with that wheeze delivered to my door at some point this weekend so I can hoof him/her in the arse with my steel toe-capped winkle pickers. Paddington Fucking Bear does not eat vegetable extract butties! The bear I grew up with has impeccable tastes and eats marmalade sarnies and I'm sure would rather starve than sponsor what has to be the the most repulsive foodstuff in existance. You're fooling nobody you cunts! Fuck off and take your grot with you. You never know, it might come in handy if someone runs out of Polyfilla.

I hear the human mind is a wondrous thing, though I'm given to wonder otherwise at times. Apparently a good old fashioned smack upside the head is all you need to become something of a polyglot. It happened to Matej Kus, a Czech speedway rider. I was at the match and was witness to his accident. He lost control on the first bend and the guy behind him had no time to take avoiding action, so ended up running over the top of him. the resultant concussion saw Matej out for a fair while, and when he came round it was discovered that he was speaking perfect Queens English, as opposed to the few broken phrases he had demonstrated to the Berwick Bandits team manager beforehand. Now, one could argue that whatever English he had learned was locked away in his subconscious and the concussion 'un-locked it', allowing him to communicate in a language hitherto completely alien to him.

Failing that, he has pretty good English and he's decided not to let on for whatever reason, only to forget his deception when he came round from his knock. I think I'll be credulous in this one, if only because it's such a strange and wonderful story. Apparently he's forgotten his new language already and now needs an interpreter to communicate once more.

It seems the condition is known as 'Xenoglossy' and is extraordinarily rare. I'll let you make your own mind up.

The funniest thing is that my blog publishing page seems to be in German now. Needless to say, I'm a bit worried..........