Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Thieving Fuckers!

Bjork at Connect festival, Sunday Night

Well, it had to happen sometime............

I've had my wallet nicked. I was in Lidl, I'd just payed for my messages and was transfering a few things to my satchel at the counter behind the checkout. Rather than putting my wallet back in my jacket pocket, I've foolishly and left it out on the counter and gone without it. An uncharacteristic mistake, I have to state. I made the forlorn journey back after getting about five minutes up the road and realising I was a bit light in the pocket department. As I had surmised, nobody had handed it in, but someone had almost certainly nicked it. All that was in it was a few quid in loose change, a national insurance card, a bank card that the thief will never be able to use (especially now that it's been cancelled) and various other bits of useless shite.

Cheers mate. I know who you are. You were the trackie wearing dick who made me wait in the queue while you went for something you'd forgotten, you were the wee dobber who was transferring messages to your rucksack as I walked out of the shop and couldn't have helped but notice that fat looking brown leather pouch laying there unattended. You were the cagey looking fucker who suddenly started fumbling for gears on your bike as you came past me as I returned to the shop between five and ten minutes later in the mistaken belief that someone would have had the decency to hand it to one of the staff.

If it was indeed Shellsuit Bob who had away with my wallet, I truly hope he gets raped by his bird with a 12 inch steel dong, or maybe his pet doberman bites his balls off in the night. There are other possibilities, but the circumstantial evidence points one way, and at this moment in time, that's good enough for me...............Guilty!

Apart from that I'm fine. How's everyone else?



For Lism. The Hold Steady say Howdy!

4 comments:

Billy said...

That's a fucker when that happens. I'm always surprised such things don't happen to me more often, I'm so careless.

iLL Man said...

It's the biggest fucker in the whole world Billy. A bigger fucker than Ron Jeremy on a Viagra and Spanish Fly bender.

I suppose it means I'm not frittering it away. Quite handy with a new hoose on the horizon....

lism. said...

Still annoying though. I too hope his pet doberman bites off his balls in the night. I totally missed this post too, so thank you for the Hold Steady photo!

iLL Man said...

If his pet dug doesn't do the business, I hope a future wife or girlfriend does. Re: the photo....no problem, they were quite entertaining in an annoying sort of way. Or is that annoying in an entertaining sort of way? Anyway, they looked like they were having fun. Liked the keyboard/harmonica player.