The Wonderful World Of Chic Murray

It's always vexed me that the peerless Chick Murray's few existing tv appearances haven't been uploaded by some clever sod to YouTube. So, that being the case, I present you with a wee selection of his finest lines.

If you find none of these funny, I suggest you check your pulse.........

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of yourself. Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away.

There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much cause to do so in the normal run of things.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch.

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.

I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.

If you have yr own favourite, please feel free to suggest it in the comments, theres tonnes of them........

Ok, so no Chic Murray clip, but I did find my favourite Monty Python sketch.

Enjoy!