Oops! I Seem To Have Mis-Judged The Mood Of The Nation With That Last Post

What was I thinking? I mean, holiday snaps when I should have been addressing the hot issues of the day? Issues like "SNP Scum Unfit To Govern", "Well, That's Our Holiday In Scotchland Cancelled Dear" and "Is There Really Any Difference Between Justice and Vengeance, and Does It Ultimately Matter A Fuck?"

I ask these questions simply because my week of peace, quiet and beer quaffing in Fife was rudely fucked over by the whole Megrahi-gate fandango. (Ha! Am I the first to use that one? I do hope so). Could I outrun the shower of bullshit on this one? Could I fuck! It was easier to avoid the intermittent pissing rain that infested the east of Scotland last week. Every time I opened a paper or turned on the radio, it was there, nagging away like an itch in yr sinuses.

I'm actually quite happy they released him. Now we get to see if our tourist industry can survive without the Yank influx. Maybe we could concentrate on the Europeans and Japanese instead. Unless of course we've become a true pariah state and our name is now mud all over the planet.

Maybe we should form a pact with North Korea and Iran, eh?

For me, the most amusing thing about this has been the reaction from opposition MSP's. What a bunch of craven, cowardly fucks! Had the positions been reversed, each of the three remaining parties would have released Megrahi. As sure as Jim Murphy is the creepiest man alive.

Labour, of course, would have had special assistance from London in all this and would have been able to see to it that the guy was squeezed out of the country with minimal fuss. In fact, I'm willing to bet the warders at Greenock clink would only just now be discovering the balloon head and pillows under the sheets in the cell of Mr 'L. Bomber'. Fact. Wouldn't want the fucker holding out long enough to see through his appeal now, would we?

For all their pious posturing, both Lib Dem and Tory parties know that this is one of those situations when they really do not fucking want to be in power. They know that had they been in a position to do so, they'd have made the same decision as the SNP, a decision based upon Scots law, Mr Al Megrahi's impending mortality and other rather dry, un-emotional fact based issues. Still, it's always nice to stick the boot in, especially once the media, Westminster and White House have softened up your target. Add to that square headed yank military types with all scrambled egg on their tunics, the 'political commentators' and thousands of foaming mouthed internet masturbators waiting in the wings

I tell what though, you really know you're on to plums when a fool like Jack McConnell feels brave enough to stick his head above the parapet and take pot-shots at you.

Scum

Ever been threatened with extreme violence by a sixteen year old weilding what looks like a steel baton, less than thirty seconds from your home? Didn't think so.................So glad I was going to a Thrash metal gig tonight, the music sort of expressed what I was feeling.

My sincerest hope is that the little fuck who threatened me chokes on his own vomit or falls into the canal. One thing you can be sure of, I will not go out now after dark without a stick to beat these fuckers with. Not going to run away from these little fucks again.

I do not regard maiming sub human shit to be a crime

Mighty Boosh. Enjoy!

Hello, Good Evening & Fuck You!

Is it just me, or are bus drivers some the least pleasant members of the human race? I hate to tar a whole group of people with the same shitty brush, but I'm not in the mood to be conciliatory right now, having just had a brush with one of 'Glasgows Finest'............

So, there I am, making my way through town to get some Christmas shopping done. I stop at a pedestrian crossing and wait for the green man. In this instance, I forego the traditional Glasgow pastime of ignoring the lights and bolting across in front of approaching traffic, in favour of, well, staying alive..... Anyway, as I wait for the lights to change, a bus driver proceeds to commit what would, in any sane world, be a capital offence. He moves his bus into a space on the road and in the process straddles the crossing. I roll my eyes and think 'If that light changes, I'm going to have to walk round this fucker. If I can see the light through the bloody bus..............'

This thought takes about two seconds to cross my mind, but the fat bald cunt behind the wheel of the bus has seen me pulling a face and he's virtually chewing the dashboard with rage. Helpfully, he's pointing upwards at something, his cheeky wee face twisted with hate.........I look up and see a traffic light. Oh, I see............! He's pointing out to me that the pedestrian crossing signal is still red, and indeed he has the right of way. Not content that he's fully conveyed the gravity of the situation to me he rolls down the window and continues to verbally abuse me, for which I'm eternally indebted to him. How else would I have known just what a shit-witted and vile little gonad he really was............

I didn't get the licence plate, but with a little luck one of his passengers will report him for acting like an irate baboon whilst in charge of a motor vehicle. Failing that, I hope some wee shite on a scheme somewhere lobs a half brick through the cab window and gives him the lobotomy he so desperately needs.

Haw Pal! I Hope Yer Next Shite's A Hedgehog

On the whole I don't have a huge problem with the human race. A frustrating bunch, yes, but in the words of Douglas Adams, 'Mostly Harmless'. Of course, there are exceptions and I bumped into one today.

It happened on the way back from the football. I crossed a road and as I reached the other side, some old lad and his dogs were walking down to the same bit of pavement as me. I stepped onto the pavement and he halted just to my left. I murmured an apology, as you do when you think you've got in someones way slightly. As I walked off, he called out at me.

"Is it raining?"

It was raining, but I thought nothing of it. Again he called out.

"Aye,it's hard tae see in the rain wi glasses on, i'nt it?"

I looked round at him in askance then continued walking. He was an old jake in a cap and wearing tinted glasses. The irony of his words weren't lost on me. Just before he turned up another street he called out something crude about the umbrella I was carrying, something about a 'Dolly Brolly'. Maybe he was jealous of it, I don't know...........

What got me was that there was absolutely no call for the outburst. I had done nothing more than walk past the stupid old cunt, but there he is, haranguing me in the street. See, that's when I find the human race intolerable. I can't stand bad manners, intentional rudeness. Sure, people can do things that annoy you, but most of the time it's unintentional, most of us understand this issue and simply mutter a few oaths under our breaths and get on with it. Rest assured though, there are always pricks like the 'gent' I encountered today who act like aggressive little fuckers at the slightest provocation, regardless of what age they are.

Round 'em up and send 'em off for 're-programming'...............

A Quick One..........

..........Before the off-licence shuts.

As you may have guessed, I'm still broadbandless, thanks to Virgin and their utter, utter cack-handedness. Fuck you and the grinning buck-toothed cunt you rode in on!!!

Understandably I just cancelled it and I'm looking at other options. Any thoughts?

Youtube is Hole. Just after they were unlistenable and just before they thought they were Fleetwood Mac. Absolute Bliss.

You Can Do What With Your Breasts?

Maybe it's just me, but somehow this all sounds like something of an over-reaction. Ok, so it's not exactly becoming of a lady to crush beer cans with her cleavage, and yes, you can see how some patrons might get a little uptight about it, but for fucks sake! 1000 dollar fines all round? Mind you, we seem, as a race to have a bit of a problem with breasts, be it hang-ups or fixations, so until we stop wetting ourselves over a bit of bare flesh I doubt very much if you'll see this sort of thing down yr local.............

A Plea For Understanding

A little message to people who send those chain e-mails with jokes and 'hilarious' pictures from the internet.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STOP!!!

Seriously, I can just about hack them at work, if only because they divert my attention momentarily from the sound of my teeth grinding to dust. However, I do not want them filling up my inbox at home. You give people your email address for the purposes of communication and other practicalities, not so you can learn the '50 things that make women better than men', or lose your appetite over pictures of grisly road accidents with jokey captions under them.

Think on and ask my permission first. Ta!

The Horror! The Horror!

Here are a selection of things that made me want to pull my brain out through my nose with a fishhook.

Get Gwen Stefani's Stunning Celebrity Look - "So Much More Than A Popstar" (gag!)

Watch a brilliant performance from James Blunt in concert. - Dinner loss guaranteed

Wendy reports to the headmaster - The art of grovelling taken to new heights.

Dutch Moped Fetishist - I actually quite like this guy. The bit where Anarchy In The UK comes on is priceless........

Whingeing Cyclists - Don't get me started!!! Try obeying the laws of the road before you get all uppity and superior about yr carbon arse print and how hard done by you are by evil motorists.

I shall be back on Thursday with something proper to read.

Thieving Fuckers!

Bjork at Connect festival, Sunday Night

Well, it had to happen sometime............

I've had my wallet nicked. I was in Lidl, I'd just payed for my messages and was transfering a few things to my satchel at the counter behind the checkout. Rather than putting my wallet back in my jacket pocket, I've foolishly and left it out on the counter and gone without it. An uncharacteristic mistake, I have to state. I made the forlorn journey back after getting about five minutes up the road and realising I was a bit light in the pocket department. As I had surmised, nobody had handed it in, but someone had almost certainly nicked it. All that was in it was a few quid in loose change, a national insurance card, a bank card that the thief will never be able to use (especially now that it's been cancelled) and various other bits of useless shite.

Cheers mate. I know who you are. You were the trackie wearing dick who made me wait in the queue while you went for something you'd forgotten, you were the wee dobber who was transferring messages to your rucksack as I walked out of the shop and couldn't have helped but notice that fat looking brown leather pouch laying there unattended. You were the cagey looking fucker who suddenly started fumbling for gears on your bike as you came past me as I returned to the shop between five and ten minutes later in the mistaken belief that someone would have had the decency to hand it to one of the staff.

If it was indeed Shellsuit Bob who had away with my wallet, I truly hope he gets raped by his bird with a 12 inch steel dong, or maybe his pet doberman bites his balls off in the night. There are other possibilities, but the circumstantial evidence points one way, and at this moment in time, that's good enough for me...............Guilty!

Apart from that I'm fine. How's everyone else?

For Lism. The Hold Steady say Howdy!

On Todays Menu.........

Fuck!! My feet are killing me. Athletes foot in overdrive.............The itch that never dies. I've got powder for them, but I can never seem to stick to a programme of application and so the foot grinding continues.

Want a sniff.............?

Myspace has given me food for thought over the past week or so. First of all I got 'Phished', which means, for those of you who don't know and don't care, my password got nicked and my account was 'piggybacked' for the purposes of nefarious ringtone hawkery. Honestly, if they were advertising scud or sex aids I wouldn't mind, but ringtones???

Then I get a threatening message from some dick called 'Joe'. It runs as follows.........

"yo mumma sucks urs cock
u suck so much balls that ur mom gets jealos
hey four eyes saw u in town the other day
I KNOW WHERE U LIVE!!!"

Awww! I think he likes me! What scares me most is that 'Joe', bless his soul, has set up a myspace account, seemingly for the sole purpose of sending people abusive messages. It did cross my mind that it might be my brother, but he's funnier than that. Besides, he knows I'll set fire to his baws if he tries that pish on...............(puffs chest out, tries to look hard..........)

I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was terrible...............

The house is on it's way! I move in on 14th of September. Huzzah! Went to meet the lawyer on Wednesday and whilst waiting on him, got to see how a telephone switchboard ought to be operated. One woman, a million incoming calls and not the slightest slip or trace of stress. I did a bit of phone cover in my last job and to be honest, it had me pissing adrenaline...........I thought I was hard pressed if two people called at once. Six at once seemed to be no problem to this dame. Funny thing was, it all came back to me like a Vietnam Vet having a flashback and I started getting a bit jumpy and nervous for no real reason. It was hardly as if she was going to ask me to mind the switchboard while she went for a cuppa....................I was glad when the lawyer stuck his head round the door and saved me from the freakish countryside mags and the eternally ringing phone..............

I was going to end this post in the style of an eighties American sitcom, with a glib moral or lesson that can be learned from my experiences in the past week, but frankly I'm at a loss.............Any suggestions? Best one gets entered :HERE:

Hoot! Bray! Snort!

I don't watch much TV to be honest, but there are two 'television events' I have come to dread, primarily because they seem to take on a life of their own and infest my normally serene and untroubled existance. Actually, it used to be three until I gave up worrying and learned to love Eurovision......

Children In Need is bad enough, but the worst of all is the painfully unfunny showbiz shindig that is Comic Relief. Basically, if you find the Vicar of Dibley a rip-roaring hoot, then you'll just love it this nine hour dirge of mirthless pratting about and wackiness.
For the rest of us (what? all three of you? Jeez...........) it'll be an evening spent doing something less boring instead. Like this. Or maybe this...

To be honest, I have great admiration for anyone who can sit through more than an hour Lenny Henry without grinding their teeth down to bloody stumps.
To make things worse, due entirely to Comic Relief, I've had to suffer the horrific musical tastes of other people today at work and I'm feeling distinctly uncharitable. Yeah, great idea that, bring in yr CD collection then charge people for the pleasure of inflicting their idea of aural Nirvana on innocent bystanders. Complete torture it was.........

Needless to say, I now wish somene would form a lynch mob and hunt down Paulo Nuttini.

What they do with him after they find him, well that is none of my concern.........

It's not all bad though. Thanks to Billy, I've discovered 'Observer Woman Makes Me Spit'. At present probably the only blog dedicated to the complete and utter loathing of a monthly womens supplement in a sunday broadsheet. Quite brilliant it is too. They also seem not to suffer fools like Grazia too gladly either.

Also, I'd like to say a big "Well Done!" to Troubled Diva who managed to pull together a book of amusing and witty blog entries in a mere seven days (proceeds to Comic Relief). I did consider contributing, but since I don't really do 'funny', I thought better of it and left it to those who are more adept at making people giggle. Worth a million miserable CR Mr Bean 'Specials' I say...

Ok, Friday Youtube time with.......



They're still going apparently.....