Wednesday, April 18, 2007

PNNC (Play Nicely Now Children) : A Code Of Conduct For A Brighter Blogging Future


..................Or The Truth About Blogging In Ten Easy Steps


After the hoopla surrounding this attempt to teach granny to suck eggs, I have taken it upon myself to fashion a more realistic and less simperingly smug set of guidelines for todays modern-day blogger of today. They principally concern the visitors to my blog and the interactions I have/might have with them. These are intended to be applied universally by all blog owners. Or possibly derided at length by a new strain of post-'post-ironic' bloggers I've never even heard of. The Fuckers!!!!!

Basically, there is only one rule:


1- Say what you want on my blog, but know the meaning of my responses and live by them.


i - No response -This means I'm ignoring you for the facile fuckwit you truly are. Or I'm really, really busy. Or your name is Professor Smile and you've commented on a blog post from about two years ago. If it's the latter, please refer to points (ii) & (iii) If you are unsure what category you fall into, please email me and I'll do my best to fail to let you know.

ii - General or non-commital response - You have just communicated with me in a way that defies general convention, I haven't the slightest fucking clue what you are slabbering on about but I don't wish to seem ignorant and rude. In this situation, I will either say something equally meaningless or try to figure out what you're talking about. Depends on how interesting you seem and how much time I have on my hands. See also point (iv) This response may also be used to subtly tell you to piss off, though it's rarely effective. It's always better to use a fairly blunt weapon such as the.........

iii - Foul mouthed and abusive response - You are a malodorous, malevolent and unctious little Quisling who copulates with farm animals, A watery cum stain on the face of humanity, A vile, mendacious shitehawk of the worst kind, A pox upon a pox upon a pox............ You may also be a close and personal friend who enjoys being spoken to in such a manner. I don't know...........

iv - Engaging and upbeat response - I am genuinely pleased to hear from you. You have probably been the first person to comment on my blog in about a week and I'm more than happy to answer your strange coded message in more depth than it deserves. You may also have agreed with something I said, which makes you a wonderful person.................

v - Verbatim (or rote) response - You have conveyed your salutations. They are much appreciated, but I don't really know what else to say other than "Cheers!" back. This single word response will usually take between ten and fifteen minutes of soul searching and an infinite number of drafts to come up with.

vi - Listed response - A wee gaggle of you have all left lovely, pertinent and quite flattering messages on my blog. I am more than happy to respond to you 'individually at once' as it were. Form an orderly queue..........

vii - Fisking response - You've said rather a lot and most of it isn't terribly complimentary. It's more than I can be bothered reading actually, so I shall simply lift the bits that can be quoted and made to seem fallacious, and say "No, thou art the liar"

viii - Delayed response - No, really, I've barely had time to scratch my arse. Here's a thought, why not provide your own responses? Pretend you're me. Go on, it'll be fun!

ix - "Calm Down, Calm Down" response - This means that I will not tolerate a bitch fight on my blog and I'm giving you five minutes to make friends or take it elsewhere. If the argument is particularly entertaining, I may defer wrist slapping for a few days though........ Or at least until someone starts throwing paedophile accusations about.

x - Deletion - Nothing personal, I just don't want to buy your cheap fucking tat.

Feel free to add to the list folks. Maybe, just maybe, one day the blogosphere will take notice of these edicts and "The World Will Live As One" *
One can but hope.


*Inspirational Lyric Quoted from 'Borstal Breakout' by Sham 69 (1978 Polydor 7" 2058 966)

6 comments:

Fat Sparrow said...

"iii - Foul mouthed and abusive response - You are a malodorous, malevolent and unctious little Quisling who copulates with farm animals, A watery cum stain on the face of humanity, A vile, mendacious shitehawk of the worst kind, A pox upon a pox upon a pox............ You may also be a close and personal friend who enjoys being spoken to in such a manner. I don't know..........."

Ha, I knew you liked me!

matt lobster said...

Too much pressure. Can't handle it.

iLL Man said...

Fat Sparrow - It's funny, I virtually never swear at anyone.

Matt - Read it as the right packet of nonsense it is and you'll be right as rain......

FlyingRodent said...

I don't have a comment policy, it usually depends on whether I'm high or going cold turkey.

If I'm drunk, I actually swear less, amazingly.

fido said...

Nice idea a comment policy, now I wonder if Terry Kelly will take it on board?

iLL Man said...

I plan on selling it to him. That way nobody would be in doubt about whether or not they have any real right to reply on his blog.