Wednesday, April 04, 2007

We Have Come To Assimilate You


Serves me right I suppose. A few hours out the office I thought, maybe a few buns and a cup of tea......back in time for lunch and an easy day for all concerned......


Aye right! Inductions are hell. If any of you have ever worked for a company that has been 'merged' with a bigger firm (or taken over if you wish to dispense with the euphemisms) you'll know the procedure. Two gonks from the new company come and tell you things you really have no interest in knowing, interspersing the flannel with self-conscious usage of words like "Synergy" and nervous chuckling at their own lame banter.


I'm being a bit unfair as the nature of the business I work for means that a lot of people have concerns about the whole deal regarding their careers. They're not all workshy, apathetic curs you know. I am though and quite frankly I wish companies would give people like me the recognition we deserve and exempt us from such tedious balderdash. Do I have to get a T-shirt printed saying "I Won't Be Here A Years Time" ?


Oh, and they're big on "Diversity". Ha! Diversity training, I'm looking forward to that one.....


What is it? How does it go? Has anyone been through it? It sounds sinister, but maybe it isn't. maybe it's worse than that.


Maybe it's boring as fuck.


Oh, and I never did get the tea and buns. The tight bastards!

10 comments:

SzélsőFa said...

you can drop by me anytime for a hot cup of herb tea...

I can not relate to the corporate thing. I've never worked for a big company. Only for a small that went even smaller until it broke down.
Funny, heh?

Kav said...

Holy crap, do you work where I work? We're going through exactly the same shite right now. Sexy Spaniards, in my case.

the ill man said...

Szelso Fa - Cheers missus. Don't be surprised if I take you up on that one day... ;)

Kav - Well, they have branches in Spain......

It's not a solicitors orifice you work in is it?

matt lobster said...

There seems to be a growing trend in offices to use the word absolutely in almost every sentance to emphasise a point. "We're absolutely going to do that.". "It's absolutely the top priority". Wankers.

iLL Man said...

Absolutely! To be honest Matt, I'm spared much office gibberish. The department I'm in is the arse end of the business and the wanker element of things tends not to touch us.

That said, my team leader keeps calling the various tasks he shovels my way "Exercises". Must be some kind of stunted management speak.

ZinZin said...

Diversity training
Watch the racism episode of Father Ted. Dermot Morgan sends up diversity training brilliantly.

iLL Man said...

Zinzin, I had a feeling it was something like that.

ZinZin said...

Ill man
As part of my induction as an employee of St.Helens council I had to sit through speeches from the chief executive and other officals who ran through the councils duties and the boroughs difficulties. The afternoon was diversity training.

I had to endure a young woman asking everyone in attendance a series of questions on gender, race and disability. From that smug woman (who was pleased that the number of BME restaurants in a predominantly white area were increasing) I discovered that the government had effectively regulated human interaction, which considering that they only had a remit to outlaw discrimination is rather depressing.

Clairwil said...

Yep.
Zin Zin is right. Diversity training makes me want to sceam racial abuse at the top of my voice.

The worst ones are when they try and trap you into admitting you're a racist. The best one ever was when were asked to raise our hands if we'd ever gone to the 'pakis' or had a 'chinky'. Not terms I'd use now but in the late 70's early 80's I was about 5, all the grown ups did, so I may have followed suit. The entire room bar two fat, posh smuggos put their hands up. Even the Pakistani who protested that her family ran a 'pakis' got a row.

As ever the most sense spoken at these things are by the people being protected from the evil white majority. The last one I was at a very witty Egyptian fellow had me rolling in the aisles with his tales of coming to Scotland and encountering old ladies that worried he was missing his camels and tents and asking if he'd just be having the one wife (this was the 60's). The point he was making is that these people all seemed to like him and just needed a few up to date facts about Egypt, not the condemnation of fat, posh bints in sandals.

iLL Man said...

I can see at least one person in my office saying he's a member of the BNP just to noise the fuckers up......

All sounds like a tedious waste of time to me.